Why am I still here?
All I ever do is just sit on my bed, onto my computer where the voices of the students and the teacher speak. The things my teachers say make me question myself more and more. Certain teachers of mine are more focused on their job and for the kids to learn and more. I know they mean well, but..
The teachers sometimes make lectures that are subtle hints toward a student. They manage to hide who those specific students are, but I know I am one of them. I always am.
And it makes me question myself again and again.
Why am I here? In this classroom, if you could even call it that, when all I do is stare and watch? All I do is make jokes and make the students better when I'm barely helping myself. I'm not academically smart. Everyone practically knows that by now. I can feel the teachers get more and more annoyed by that specific part of me. The question raises in their heads and so does mine.
Why am I here when I barely try?
My other smarts can't do anything to help me. I'm setting myself for failure. And for what? To help a family that has no good? To try and help the family that doesn't give me a chance because I'm a typical stupid child? The only thing that's taken is my grades and if I am passing school and whatnot. It's making me almost annoyed. But I can't be annoyed! I have the most patience out of my entire family! What would it look like if I lost it all? That I was really a brat just like my mother? I would be no better. I want to be better.
I've gotten better. I've gotten better at hiding my, quote, "suffering" from my friends. I want to, but I'm not sure. I talk about how my mom is to them, but never me. What I actually think I'm doing to myself, but my thoughts on the people around me.
I'm
Not
Any
Better.
I'm just a typical idiotic child.
And yet.. I am hopeful. Hopeful that I can do great, greater than the people I know. The family who I was with my entire life. I can see myself as somewhat confident.
If only my friends had that same confidence as me.
Sadly, they are not so lucky. But it is okay. I can help. I want to help. I know they won't push me away..
They won't push me away anytime soon.
Right?
