I've done the worse thing I could've possibly done.
I may have ruined one of the best relationships with any of my family members ever. I don't like the fighting. I hate the fighting, especially with Christmas nearby. So close, and yet, I feel like this is the worse one yet. If not, ever. I hate growing up. I want to go back, to when I was younger. Oblivious to any of the problems in the world other than kids my age or some grade that I didn't even care about. I wish going to my elementary school and being with my closest friends. Instead, I've grown up into some stupid teenager and stuck in a house while I do online school. Even though I know I'm failing, I practically don't care. I feel I have way more issues than some schoolwork. And yet, I wish it was only just that. My grandma actually argued with grandpa pretty badly, and it was not a sight I was used to.. at all. It was only yelling, so I stayed silent, but I stood by my doorframe in hopes they realized I was still in a class on my computer. My heart was beating fast, but I managed to not let my fear show. She then threw some kind of blanket or pajamas almost at him, but that's what got me to speak up. And I wish I did not. I ended up accidentally calling her a dumbass and now.. she's in her room with the door closed. And I know if I try to open it, it'll probably be shut again. I feel bad, but there's nothing I can do. It's already done, and I can't take back the words I wish I thought more over. I didn't even want to do the rest of school, so I just closed my laptop. It was somewhat reluctant, but I ended up doing so in the end. I now lay down once more on the bed I always lay down on 24/7 but with my heart still beating fast, and shaking more slightly than I normally do. I hate myself. I hate what I did, I hate that I can't take any of it back, I hate growing up, I hate change, I hate it all. This all reminds me of a nurse telling me that my suicidal thoughts could come back after I had told her my old ones had "faded away". I see what she meant by that, now. But in the worse way possible. I tried to say sorry, but even I know that won't do anything. I did something no other of my siblings did when they were my age, and it just had to have been the worse thing. Why? Why am I like this? I thought I had more patience than this. I'm only a kid! Why am I dealing with this to begin with?! What's wrong with me? Why do I mess up everything? Why do I make the worse choices?? I thought I had good intentions! And yet, now it seems I don't. I don't like this. I want back. But it's too late now. I can't go back. I can never go back. I want to sleep, but my body won't let me. Let me sleep. Let me sleep this off, please. Please.
Please.
-N.
