In a family such as mine, you can never expect to be understood in a way you WANT to be. Every time you do, it goes the other way, and suddenly, in their eyes, you are in the wrong. You treated them so badly, they despise you until tomorrow. Oh look, you accidentally tried to be funny when you ended up being actually pretty fucking rude. It was fine the first couple of times, but now, it's just getting tiring. At this point, their words could just be "Be nothing. Be absolutely nothing and boring." And wow, you are fixed! You are a good ol' being just like they are! But oh noooo.. because you are so boring, they hate you for being 'serious'.
My mom's just practically money hungry all the time, and a phone addict so bad you'd think she'd be an influencer! She makes me do things I don't want to, and when I protest one time, the whole world breaks. My stepdad is fine, but he doesn't really understand me, either. He steals often, and he can't keep a job. My grandma was the best at first, but it just seems like she can't grasp onto what makes me serious, and what makes me funny, and she acts like the dog is her ENTIRE life purpose ever since we got him, and I just don't know my grandpa at all, other than he's my grandpa, he lives with my grandma, and he works jobs like the cleaners and practical construction at home. I could just say I have no siblings, because they are NEVER here anymore. I don't know about half of them, one of them is dead, one of them is just an immature high schooler who is a deadbeat dad at the same time, and another left the entire family for some woman that raises hell and a bunch of red flags. I barely have any friends at school, and with the ones I still have, I practically forgot them, or one doesn't realize I want to hang out with her like I USED TO. In a call where we talk and talk, not just be a part of her projects. I mean, it's cool, but I want to play games in a call, not be separated again, and again, and again. And I can't do that either, because I'm sure they'll hate me for being so clingy, and how I'm constantly concerned for them than taking their jokes about possible self harm or suicide "FuNnY" when I really don't, AND GOD FORBID I DO HAVE A LOT OF CONCERN FOR JOKES LIKE THAT, and everywhere around, I am wrong one way or another.
That's why I've practically created my own world in my mind. I'm not the protagonist, though. She is. My best friend is. Even if I'm not sure about our interactions anymore, she is the main character of my stories. Not me. I'm only a sole reason for the story. Just like in real life. I'm never really shown often. I'm practically non existent. I'm only a reason. In real life, a reason why my family gets so down. In stories, a reason for my sister to go on an adventure and meet all kinds of cool people, and fight enemies using some cool gadget. Not me. I'm shoved to the side again.. and again.. and again. The only thing I get is suffering. And I will keep getting that again, and again.
Even in my own FANTASY worlds, I still get nothing good out of it, and I CREATE IT! It's like a reflection.
I can never leave my house, I'm always trapped because I have no reason to leave. I still have no friends, so I'm never invited to anything. And of course, alllll of that is my fault. Why? Because I never had any guidance on what to do. And for some reason, thats sorely my fault.. WELL FIIIINE. SURE. LET IT BE MY FAULT!! I'll be better than all of my family members combined! I can be better!! I WILL BE BETTER!!
OR MAYBE NOT.
TO TOP IT ALLLLL OFF TODAY, WHEN I FINALLY HAVE THE GUTS TO ASK IF I COULD HANG OUT WITH HER AND HER FRIENDS, I GET TOLD FUCKING NO. THEY AreN'T DOiNg sHiT. AnD oNe oF tHeM hAs a BitChY bRoThEr. WELL, FUCK THAT. I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE. YOU THINK YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE THAT SUFFERS BEING ALONE?! YOU CAN'T STANNNDD TO BE ALLLOOONNEE?? WELL, WHAT ABOUT ME?! ITS NOT LIKE I'M ALONE CONSTANTLY BECAUSE I HAVE A FAMILY THAT MISUNDERSTANDS ME, AND NO FRIENDS AT ALL, OTHER THAN YOU! MAYBE CONNECT THE DOTS?! DO I SEEM SELFISH NOW?! I ALREADY SEEM PRETTY SELFISH ALLLL THE TIME BY MY FAMILY ANYWAY!! FUCK THIS ISOLATION, FUCK THIS LONELINESS, FUCK EVERYTHING!! I'M TIRED! TIRED OF ALL OF THIS!! AND NO ONE IS GOING TO CARE, AND NO ONE WILL COME TO ME ASKING "Are you okay?" ANYWAY. I. AM. REACHING. MY. LIMIT. AGAIN.
10:55 PM
Okay.. maybe I went a little bit far in this page. But sadly, it isn't going to get much better from here. My best friend/sister-not-of-blood's dad is getting suspicious of.. something?? I don't know what, and her friend that told me doesn't know, either. But I bet it's because one, I'm a "bad influence", or one of the two dumber reasons.. Two, he thinks we like each other ROMANTICALLY (ew) or three, he just doesn't want her to hang out with a boy AT ALL. How stupid. I get it and all, but I've shown nothing for him to be so upset about. Sure, I might've accidentally said something I wasn't supposed to, but how is that my fault? I didn't know. Like I said, I have no guidance. . But now, I'm not going to be hearing from her for a while. How long a while? Not sure. But that isn't going to help my loneliness situation. It seems like it just gets worse and worse all because of some adult. It's supposed to be easy being young? Why is it not so much now? What changed?..
When can I actually have friends? How long do I have to wait until I can?
