mending the pieces ~ camren

chapter twenty

Lauren's POV

(half of August, around a month after their sleepover)

I was walking to my therapist's office while I was thinking of everything that's happened over the past month. The meetings with my doctor seemed to help me a lot, so were my pills, which, by the way, didn't feel as strong as I assumed they would. There was no drastic change in my behavior caused by this medication, but I did notice a slight difference from time to time. I didn't dwell on it, though. After all, they just want to help me. The pills and the talks with my doctor are for my own good.

The frequency of fainting had definitely lessened. I can recall the old days with Chris and there's no sign of losing consciousness, sometimes. It's not like it's gone. I do faint, from time to time, yeah. Just not as often.

And I owe that to my therapist and the things he had taught me. He told me how to deal with it. I should remember that my brother's not physically with us anymore, but that he's still around, we just can't witness him in person. He's in our hearts, our memories, our thoughts.

In my case, I shouldn't let the fact that he, in fact, is dead, take over me and diminish my love for him.

The fainting is the effect of my feelings which I try my best to ignore. The feelings are probably anger, loneliness, sadness and longing for my brother.

And because I reject everything bad that I feel, and that's usually all I feel when I think of Chris, since the good memories don't actually make me feel good, I taught myself to feel bad when I think of him simply because he's gone, my body and mind are overwhelmed which causes a reaction. That reaction is losing consciousness.

For the last four weeks, I've been trying to change my feelings. As crazy as that sounds..

I wanted to be able to reminisce my little brother without being 'punished'. And I had to make myself feel better things while I did that. And one time it finally worked. I rejected anger and sadness, and filled the gap with happiness and gratitude that I got to meet someone like him and even call him my brother.

These days, there's more times when I succeed than the ones when I fail. I'm making progress and everyone I'm surrounded with is incredibly proud of me, which only makes me want to work harder.

Maybe soon even I will be proud of myself.

The famous trio aka Ally, Mani and I are reunited all over again. Ally came back from her trip and we made sure to meet as soon as possible. We've shed some tears, both happy and sad ones, but we're back on good terms and as if nothing ever happened. And so are things between me and Normani.

That's why I appreciate these two so much, the gratitude I feel grows with each day, because the two girls never seem to disappoint me. No matter how highly and greatly I think of them, they are still able to amaze me the next day. And the story repeats.

Since the last time Camila slept over at my place, we've been trying to do it pretty often. We enjoy each other's company a lot, we never seem to get enough of one another and the cuddling keeps getting more intimate.

She revealed a lot about herself to me that one night, when both of us were sensitive and not in the best moods. The longing for our lost close ones was being felt too deeply then and we couldn't cope. Finally we broke, and let it all out.

She told me about her decision of not using medical help and she said I was one of a few that understood her. I felt honored to know that. She introduced me to her past; self-harming, once constant spacing out, wanting to escape, getting lost in her own thoughts and the list goes on.. and all of that at the age of 16.