happy Thanksgiving...
January 13
Cassius's POV
"How does she make you feel?" The psychiatrist, Mrs. Barnes asked, her right leg over her left.
Insane. She makes me feel insane. I want to grab her by her throat and choke her until her body loses the fight for air but then I want to kiss all over her face and lie, and tell her that I love her.
"Good, I guess. She makes me feel good." was what I said.
"The voices. She knows about them, you said. Tell me. What do these voices sound like?"
Hm. "....Like me. They sound like me."
"No distinct voice description? Is there multiple voices? Perhaps a mono tone and a more deeper one? Maybe even one of a child's?"
She'd caught me. Caught me red handed. I gulped hoping she didn't notice, watching her eyes to see if they fell to my throat. "I don't know." was what I said.
"Do different voices tell you to do different things?"
The lighter voice sounds more like me. That voice tells me shit to get me angry, and it feeds me lies. Tells me that Riley hates me and that I should kill myself. He wants me to fly off the handle and flip shit over. He wants me to murder my family and then save myself for last. That voice scares me.
The child like one is me as an adolescent. The one that helps me smile and laugh, tell jokes. It's a carefree side of me. But it's the side of me that makes me immobile. I stare at the wall, I don't eat, I don't speak or talk because the voice is telling me shit from my past, relaying stories in my point of view that I tried so hard to forget.
The deeper voice... that voice is my father. Telling me to do things to hurt people. To hurt my daughter and to hurt Riley. I hate that voice the most..
Mrs. Barnes writes something down on her pad. "Your children... Tell me something you love about each of them separatly and one thing you see of yourself in them. Start with whichever one you want."
"Caius... I love that he's protective of his family. And he acts just like me, talks just like me, walks just like me. I couldn't deny him even if I wanted to." I chuckled lightly and Mrs. Barnes smiled.
"Ju, he's smart and funny. I love that he cares. I wish I could care about other people, you know? He reminds me of a much younger me. Back before I was introduced this crazy shit we call life."
"And Jasmine?"
"She looks like me. She's cute. I know she's gonna make me proud one day. Seeing her graduate and all that."
"Asia?"
"She's my life in human form, I can put it that way. I don't know what I'd do without her... and it's killing me that she's not talking to me." Can't believe I'm actually talking to this bitch right now.
Mrs. Barnes placed down her pen, looked me in the eye. "Do you ever stop to think that maybe she needs you to apologize to her? Maybe she'll open up and speak to you about what happened and how she feels."
"Nah.. I don't wanna know she feels."
"And why not?" Her arms were crossed around her chest now.
"She probably hates me."
"How'd you come up with that?"
I paused. I know. "Because I hated my dad." She narrowed her eyes, wanting me to tell her more. I did. "I hated him for doing that shit. I know she hates me for what I did, she'll probably never speak to me when she's older."
