SillyNate's Vlogmas

Vlogmas Day 3: Going to the Graveyard

PSA: Troye Sivan's Blue Neighbourhood is out & it's amazing! I bloody love it!

I turn on the camera and let it take in the shot of the graveyard. I do it to give myself courage. I haven't been here since his funeral. I actually forgot the anniversary of this death last month and I felt horrible when I realised. I'm not missing today.

Abbs take my free hand and squeeze it tightly. She knows how difficult this is for me. I like being a carefree happy lad. I'm not good with deep emotions. My reaction to my grandparents' death was the worst I've ever felt.

"I guess I should explain why we're here," I say and flip the camera back to Abbs and I as we begin walking into the graveyard. The clip before this one was me happily walking around in the city.

"I know December is a time to be jolly but I'm just feeling a bit sad today. You might remember that I lost my grandfather last year. Today is his birthday."

I pause and take a deep breath. I can feel the unfamiliar burn of tears in my eyes. I don't cry often but this is such a sore subject.

"He would have been 70," I say and my voice betrays me and cracks. "We're not here to be sad though," I say and look to Abbs for support. She nods enthusiastically.

"I only got to meet Bob once but he was such a warm man. He deserves a celebration on his birthday," she says and her voice is strong. It gives me strength.

"He was always a sucker for a good party," I say. We reach his grave and I'm still filming even though I have a feeling I might have to cut this whole section out. Another part of me wants to keep it in though, because surely it's good to show this side of myself too?

"Nate," Abbs says so softly. "I actually have a little surprise."

I'm confused.

"Do you remember how you said that Bob loved cupcakes?" she pauses, clearly a bit unsure of herself.

"Yes, he did."

She smiles shyly and proceeds to pull out a cupcake with the numbers 7 and 0 on top of it. She cups the cupcake like it's a precious gem and hands it to me.

"I didn't know Bob that well but I know how important he was to you and I know he was a major influence to turn you into the man you are today. And besides, what's a birthday party without cake?"

I'm speechless. That doesn't happen often. A single tear from my eye escapes and I pull Abbs into a hug, even with a cupcake in one hand and the camera in the other.

"Thank you so much, love," I say.

"Don't mention it," she says. "Now, how about I take that camera and you go give Bob the cupcake? Tell him happy birthday from me too."

She gently takes the camera from me, and steps back to give me space to talk to my dead grandparents. I don't really believe that they can still hear me but I do want to talk to them. I need to for myself. It'll be cathartic.