Why I Have To

Chapter 15

November 12, 2009

"This is where Jade and I usually go when she doesn't want to come home yet," said Cathleen as we entered a pub near campus.

The place was dimly lit and reeked of alcohol, smoke, and a tinge of desperation. A group of frat boys are huddled around a pool table while a couple of old men sat alone at the corner booths drinking their whiskey— probably thinking about their latest divorce.

I could never imagine Jade in a place like this.

"Don't go looking all judgy there, this place serves the best margaritas and nacho cheese fries in town," she said as she led me across the bar.

She ordered 2 frozen margaritas and a plate of nacho cheese fries. She's right, it was the best margarita and nacho cheese fries in town.

It was surprising to see how easy it was to be with her after all these years that we've been apart. It was just like the old times wherein we talked about all the stupid things we used to do. We updated each other about most of the things that happened to us these past few years. It was so easy and fun, as if nothing happened. She even briefly mentioned her recent breakup with her ex girlfriend. Yes. Girlfriend. That was surprising, but not really. I don't know.

Half way through our fourth glass of margarita, she said "I've spent so much time with Jade, and you guys seem really close, but not once did she mention you. Why?"

My mood suddenly changed at the mention of her name.

That stings.

How could she not mention me?

"Hindi ko alam," I mumbled.

"I just felt that she needs a friend that's why I let her hang out with me. She had this sad puppy eyes that makes you want to adopt her or something. Who can say no to that?"

I laughed. She's right.

"She's really great, you know?" she added.

Of course she's great. She's Jade.

I took a big piece of nacho and ate it, trying to avoid her question when she suddenly giggled.

"You have cheese on your face," she said as she reached her hand out to wipe my face when somebody yanked her arm.

"STAY AWAY FROM HER," said a voice so lethal it actually scared me, as if I was caught doing something I'm not supposed to.

"Oh god, I'm sorry. I didn't know what came over me," cried Jade as she suddenly ran out of the pub. I tried to follow her but she was nowhere in sight.

I said sorry to Cathleen and drove away to follow Jade. After a couple of minutes searching the streets, I saw her sprawled across the sidewalk of a dark alley way. Alone.

I parked my car in an empty lot and approach her as she lights a fresh cigarette with the butt of her last one. She doesn't smoke, not after her first attempt that is.

Enraged, I swiped the cigarette from her lips and threw it away.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!"

"I'm sorry, okay! Just please, leave me alone!" she cried.

I grabbed her pack of Marlboros and threw it across the empty lot as she sat there and cried.

"What's going on, Jade? Bakit ka nagkakaganyan?" I said as calmly as I can.

"Wala. Hindi ko sinasadya, I'm sorry. Magsosorry din ako kay Cathleen," she said in between sobs.

I am drunk and so sick of her bull shit that I suddenly blurted, "Stop giving me that crap! Puro ka sorry! Napapagod na kong intindihin ka."

"Alam mo kung bakit ako nagkakaganito? Kasi nagseselos ako! Nagseselos ako na alam kong hindi naman dapat! Ayokong nakikita kang may kasamang iba!"

I was stunned at her admission. And mad. She doesn't have the right to say that, not after she rejected me.

"Ang selfish mo," I vehemently said as I continued,

"What do you want from me, Jade? You don't want to be with me but you don't want me to be with anyone else," I can taste the bitterness from my mouth as I said it.

"Hindi ko alam."

"Hindi mo alam?! Hindi mo alam?! Napaka talino mo, Jade. Ang galing galin mo sa lahat ng bagay pero pag dating sakin, hindi mo alam?! You know how I feel for you, pinaglalaruan mo ba ko?"

"Hindi sa ganun, Althea. Pero... Natatakot kasi ako..."

Bull shit. Bull fuckin' shit. I am so over this.

"Natatakot ka?! Saan ka natatakot, sa sarili mo o sa akin? Lagi ka nalang takot, Jade! Bakit pag sa ibang bagay napakatapang mo pero pagdating sakin ang duwag duwag mo!"

I was so mad at her. Alcohol and this pent up drama doesn't mix well together. All the pain and frustrations I felt was boiling up inside me. I didn't care about my words. I wanted to scream at her. I wanted to hurt her.

"Magsalita ka!" I exclaimed as I furiously shook her body. She pushed me away and I pushed her harder, and as soon as I did it— I regretted it.

She grabbed me by the arm and with furious eyes, she said, "MAHAL KITA! Mahal kita, Althea. Mahal na mahal..."

As soon as she said that, all the anger I felt for her suddenly vanished.

"Mahal kita... Mahal kita... Mahal kita..." she went on as tears streamed down her lovely face. Like a mantra. On and on she went until all I can hear is a faint whisper.

"Mahal kita," she said, with finality.

I didn't care if we were in some dead end corner of the street.

I didn't care about the rotten smell emanating from the empty lot, or the sound of the honking cars along the road.

I didn't care if if people would see us.

I didn't care.

I held her tear stained face end leaned towards her lips. And as soon as our lips touched, nothing else mattered.

Nothing else, except her.

At first it was subtle... soft... lingering...testing.

And when she parted her lips, I tasted hunger... longing... passion... heat... a lot of heat... and of course— love.

As we broke the kiss to catch our breaths, I whispered, "Mahal din kita."

So I held her hand and led her to the car, and as I turned on the ignition, I told her—

"We'll make this work."

****
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for hurting you.

But this is the only way we can make this work, Jade...

And that is why I have to let you go.

Love,
Althea

Author's Note: I'm sorry if you guys expected some kind of romantic gesture from Jade. It's not my thing and I honestly don't know how to write one. I hope I did justice to their characters, but I'm open for suggestions if you want something else. So yeah, you know the drill! :)