Why I Have To

Chapter 20

September 2015

Jade's POV

My head hurts so much right now. How could she turn something so beautiful into something so tragic? What I did for her and what she said is so contradicting that it makes me wanna hate her and love her more at the same time.

Whatever, I'm starting to contradict myself too.

Dammit, Althea. Dammit.

How could someone go from telling you how much she loves you to quitting you? Does that make sense?

So that's what I am now? A bad habit? Something so bad that she has to quit? Like I'm just a cigarette that she could toss once she decides she's over it?

What the hell does she mean by that, anyway?

'Fuck you, Althea. You and your cigarette could go burn in hell,' I mumbled to myself.

Cigarette... Cigarette... Cigarette...

Then I remembered.

I closed the journal and scrambled through my closet in search of something that I've kept hidden for so many months now.

There it is, still untouched.

I bought her album a few months back upon its release. I  am so proud of her— I always am, despite of everything, but I never got the courage to listen to it— the most that I could do is to memorize the titles of her tracks.

Pathetic.

I peeled off the clear plastic covering and popped the disc on my player.

Track number 3, Coffee and Cigarettes.

The soft keys of the piano resonated the room to a melody that is so foreign yet familiar at the same time. I took a deep breath and waited as her voice filled my soul.

I gave up coffee and cigarettes
I hate to say it hasn't helped me yet
I thought my problems would just dissipate
And all my pain would be in yesterday

I poured my booze all down the kitchen drain
And watched my bad habits get flushed away
I thought that that would keep my head on straight
And all my pain would be in yesterday

But it's true
I'm still blue
But I finally know what to do
I must quit, I must quit, you

I thought that if I didn't go and play
The sadness would get bored and go away
I thought that if I didn't go astray
That all my pain would be in yesterday

But it's true
I'm still blue
But I finally know what to do
I must quit, I must quit, you

I sold my guitar and my piano
I thought that it was these that kept me low
I thought if only I could try and change
That all my pain would be in yesterday

But it's true
I'm still blue
But I finally know what to do
I must quit, I must quit, you

I must quit, I must quit, you

Oh god, why does this hurt so much? It's bad enough that she quitted me, but it is more painful to hear how much she's hurting.

Althea seldom writes songs. She told me that she only writes when she's extremely happy or extremely sad. Two extremes, and nothing in between.

She used to write from the other end of the extreme— the happy one, always the happy one.

A lot has definitely changed from the first time she wrote a song to this new one right here.