Why I Have To

Chapter 29

April 4, 2012

Dear Jade,

This will be the last letter that I will write for you. I heard that tonight's your flight to New York, I just have to make sure that you're already on the plane and headed towards your dreams before I write this so that I can assure myself that I won't be running after you to take me back— because I know I would. I bet you're already halfway across the globe as I write this.

If you're reading this, please, let me tell you why I broke your heart.

The night that you got your acceptance letter, and the night that I was about to tell you everything, was the same night that I got the call that changed everything.

It was my catalyst.

Tatay called me that night and broke the news. He's sick. He's been sick for months and he never told me because he knew how much you needed me to be by your side.

That day, he went to his doctor and was told that his sickness is incurable— that he only has 6 months to live.

Stage 4 lung cancer.

The funny thing is that he doesn't even smoke.

It was like I was doused with a bucket of ice a thousand times over. My father— my one and only father, the only family I ever had needed me and I wasn't even there for him.

That's the reason why I was out almost every night, I stay in the hospital to take care of him. I was always drunk because I needed a drink every time before I go home because I didn't know what to do. I needed the alcohol to at least numb the pain.

This made me realize how much I took things for granted. I lost so much time with him. I felt so guilty for not coming home at least on weekends because I was so caught up in playing housewife. Not only that, I also realized how I completely neglected all the relationships I have— with our friends and most especially my father because I was drowning in love and insecurities.

Please don't blame yourself, this is all on me. This is all my fault. I handled things the worst way possible.

I can't go to New York with you, not only because I am a failure but also because my father needs me now more than ever. I can't let him down this time, I won't be able to forgive myself if I ever let him go through this alone.

That is why I didn't tell you.

I didn't tell you because I know you would stay. You would defer another semester or maybe another year or maybe you won't go at all just because you know I needed you.

I can't let you do that.

I can't let you put your dreams on hold or to give it up for someone like me— someone who's not worth it.

You might think that it's unfair that I never gave you the chance to decide for yourself, but I know you, Jade. Would you give me up? Would you let me go? I know you wouldn't. You would never. I know you would give up everything for me in a heart beat, and you've already given up too much, I can't let you give up something you've always dreamed of— I can't let you give up another thing for me.

People might think that I'm heartless and that I don't have enough reason to let you go, but I think otherwise. It's not only because my father needs me, it's because of the person I've become.

I don't like the person that I've become.

I hated myself.

I've become a spineless little coward who depended too much on the love you gave me. I love you too much that I neglected everyone else trying to find ways to keep you. I know I didn't have to, but I still did.