Why I Have To

Chapter 28

March 20, 2012

"Where have you been?" Jade asked coldly as soon as I stumbled in our room.

I stared at her— completely caught off guard.

I thought she was already asleep.

The room started spinning and I can't seem to find the right words to come out of my mouth. Damn it, I think I'm still drunk.

"I'm asking you," her annoyance is showing as she reiterated her question.

"Out... Umm..Why are you still awake?" I answered dumbly.

"Because I was waiting for you. I tried to call you but you're not picking up," she whined.

"I didn't hear it."

"Come on, Althea! Are you really giving me that excuse?"

"You don't believe me?" I paused as I looked for my phone in my bag, "here check it."

Something fell from my bag and since my body is intoxicated with alcohol, Jade's reflexes were quicker to pick it up.

Her eyes flashed with hurt and anger as she threw me my pack of cigarettes.

"I thought you quit?"

"I guess not. Can you.. Can you just go back to sleep? I don't have time for this," I said coldly.

She looked like I just slapped her in the face. I wanted to take back what I said, but I know I can't. The damage has been done.

"What the hell is going on Althea? You've been like this for weeks!"

I've been out almost every night— drunk. I make sure that she's already asleep by the time I get home to avoid any questions, and I've succeeded until now. I don't want her to see me like this— wasted, lost, and completely fucked up.

"Althea... Please... Talk to me, you've been so different for the past few weeks, I have no idea what's going on, and it's painfully obvious that you're avoiding me. Did I do something wrong?" she pleaded.

"Nothing."

I could tell that she could smell my lies and I hate it. I hate myself and I hate doing this to her. She furiously wiped the single tear that escaped from her eyes and uttered, "then why are you drunk almost every night?"

I sighed. I guess this is it, the timing that I've been waiting for. I've been contemplating for weeks on how I would do this, and I back out every time I attempt to. But I guess this time, I really have to— this is where our conversation is heading.

There's no turning back now.

Even if it is against my whole being, I said, "pagod na ako."

Her eyes bore into my being— absolutely livid. I would be to if I was in her position.

"Saan ka napagod? Ako itong maghapon na nagtatrabaho at nag-aaral pero ni minsan hindi mo narinig sakin 'yang salita na 'yan. You better give me a damn good reason, Althea."

Thank god she's mad. This is good. This would be easier on her part.

I will forever hate myself for this, but I have no other choice but to do this.

"Oo nga! Puro ka nalang trabaho! Yan nalang lagi inaatupag mo!" I said, trying to make her believe my shit because I can't even believe it myself.

"Ang unfair mo. You know why I work so hard. I thought you understand, I thought you're in this with me."

"Kala ko rin kaya kong intindihin, pero hindi eh! Pagod na pagod na kong mag hintay sayo at pagod na pagod na kong pag silbihan ka! Napapagod na ko sa buhay na ganito!"