Behind The Computer

2

Him

I miss him.

I miss my boyfriend.

It's winter break and I miss him. A lot. And he doesn't have his phone. He got it taken away when he cursed in front of his mother. I find that really funny but thinking about what my parents would do to me if I cursed in front of them scares me. They might beat me. They might punish me. Who knows? I heard they once put my brother outside and did something.

But anyway. I miss him. I can't tell you his name because that's kind of too much info in a way. But I miss him. I miss his creepy but humorous stare. I miss his laugh. And his hugs. And the way he hugs me. And the tingly feeling I get whenever I'm around him (cheesy right?). And I miss how he would tickle me when no one was looking. I miss his touch and-

Sorry. Too much. But don't worry. We haven't gone THAT far. We haven't even kissed...yet. I was going to kiss him before break but I was slightly mad at him.

Do you really want to know why I was mad at him? Fineeeeeeeeee! If you don't, too bad. Read this:

So a few days ago (actually, like a few weeks ago), we were at school and we had a fire drill during our awards ceremony. We were sent outside in the cold. It was about 60 or below degrees outside too. So when we go out there, I was standing alone just holding myself because to be honest, I was cold. And he was running around with his friends and stuff which I would've been mostly okay with. Except for the fact that he was constantly looking at me. He watched me freeze. He saw me freezing and continued to run around with his friends. Didn't ask me if I was okay or anything. He didn't do jack!

Besides that little incident, he, in general, acts like we don't know each other during the school day but after school, he's real touchy and other shit. Excuse my language.

So it was stressing me out along with all of my other ish going on in my life on our last day (before winter break) and I was basically whining and complaining all day, which was irritating the hell out of my cousin. Btw, love you! <3 nothin_normal. But anyway, she got irritated and was telling me to communicate these issues with him. Now I'm a really shy and hesitant person when it comes to talking to my boyfriend about my feelings and other shit, again, excuse my language.

(You know what, I'm just going to be completely honest and tell you that this entire book will be full of profanity so I apologize for my language in advance.)

But, LIKE I WAS SAYING...I wasn't too excited on the idea. So you know what she did? She told him for me. That would've been awesome except she told everything incorrectly, I think. I wasn't listening most of the time. But she said she was irritated by me and tired of all this, and I quote, "bullshit." She said I was mad at him for not comforting me when I was cold and for acting like we don't know each other during the day. That's the bitchy way of explaining things, in my opinion. 

Now let me tell you what I'm REALLY thinking about this. I don't need a guy to sweep me off of my feet or to come and save the day. I don't need a guy to come comfort me whenever I feel lonely. I don't need that. Hell, I don't want that. What I want is for the guy that I decide to give my heart to to actually care. Don't act because it will make me feel better or do it because we're dating but because you care. Because I care.

I'm sorry I'm writing this deep shit all of the sudden. I just saw Paper Towns which makes me think about The Fault In Our Stars and Perks Of Being A Wallflower. God I love those movies. But that's for another chapter.

I've been told by many that I should break up with him. And they're probably all right in their own ways. But I told my friend that I don't want to just give up. I want to give him a chance to help me fix our relationship. I know I'm young and don't know what true love is and I'm not looking for true love. But I don't want to just quit when the road gets bumpy. I want to make this relationship good unlike my last where I felt we were friends. My bad, also for another chapter.

Gosh. I don't know what to say. I like him a lot. But he doesn't know that. He doesn't know why nor how. That's fine with me. But I'm not giving up until I need to.