Behind The Computer

16

Puddles

I'm late on this. Like, really late. But I don't care.

Send your blessings up to my dead goldfish Puddles. Yes, he only lived for about four days. But it was a good four days. Watching him swim around with Jillybean happily.

It was a weird death. We knew he would die soon. We just didn't want to accept that. We saw how he was suffering on the inside. But we didn't care. We wanted to treasure our time while he was still here.

One day, he was swimming around with Jillybean. The next, he was swimming upside down at the top of the tank.

I wanted to cry but it seemed pointless. The tears wouldn't bring him back. It would just make the experience seem worse. And it's not that I missed the fish that much (I really, really, really do miss the guy though) but it's the fact that I know not every living thing will be around forever.

I believe it was 2011 when my cat Miracle died. It was terrible. I cried for days. My brother cried. My mom cried. My family hugged. We saw her one day walking around casually, let her out for whatever she wanted to do. We didn't see her for days. She comes back meowing and it's such a bad site. To see her buttwhole red and bleeding. We can tell she was in a fight, or something like that. And we take her to the vet. My parents take her to the vet. And they come back. Not Miracle. She doesn't come back. And then we all know it was over for her.

I cry. My brother cries in peace. My mom cries silently. We all hug. And we know it's over for her.

But it's not the fact that they're gone that's the hardest part. It's the part where you know you're the cause of their death. It's the part where you try to figure out a way you could've saved them. Their death is your fault. You killed them.

Jesus. I am so sorry guys, I don't mean to make you feel guilty about anything. It's just a thought that came to mind.

But anyway.

I'm sorry Miracle. I'm sorry Puddles. I'm sorry to the fish that belonged to my brother when we were younger that I killed. I'm sorry I couldn't save you guys. I'm sorry I let you down and you were the one to pay for my mistake. I'm sorry guys.

I don't know what my problem is with animals. I don't know if they hate me or love me. But I love them. And I will continue to love them along with trying to keep them alive for as long as they can live.

My brother's fish.

Miracle.

Skye.

Ginger.

Jillybean.

Puddles.

Angel.

Bary.

I'm sorry Miracle, Ginger, and Puddles. May God be with you. (Ginger isn't dead, I had to give her away because her and Skye weren't getting along.)

I send my prayers up to any of you all's pets that may have died in the past too.

Rest. In. Peace.