Behind The Computer

23

Her Eyes

I lost her eyes. I lost her beautiful brown eyes, the ones I would stare into everyday wondering if she felt the way I do towards her. Those beautiful eyes I would compliment everyday so that she knew how much I loved the way she looked. But I didn't just care about her look. I loved her laugh, her smile, her voice, her comments, everything. I loved her body too but that's another story, a much more explicit story.

We used to look at each other back and forth everyday. I would be glancing around the room when my eyes instantly stuck onto her. I couldn't focus on anything but her. And as though she felt my stare, she looks up. And we stare at each other. I fall in love every time I see her. I'm sure inside, she felt the same way. But to be completely honest, she can't love me as much as I love her. I told her she's the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing I think about when I go to bed.

And then we broke up. She said it wasn't my fault, that I was a really nice person but that she didn't feel I deserved her. She said she cheated on me. For whatever reason, I wasn't mad. Probably because I knew I wasn't the only one who wanted her all to themselves.

So week after week, we continued to stare but it was different. She was staring at me like I was her close friend, her brother. And that's more than I could've asked for. I would rather have her stare at me like I was her brother than have her not stare at me at all. I'm sure her new boyfriend noticed but I didn't care, I just wanted to see her smile.

Then came that day. The day everything changed, well, for me. That day, we were at lunch, and I was seated at my normal table with two other people. And she was seated at her usual table with about seven other people. So glancing around casually, my eyes land on her. But she doesn't look back. She never does. Fine. She doesn't notice my stare, that's not necessarily unusual. But then she doesn't look at me for days, which turn into weeks, and then months. I noticed that she was looking at other guys. I would've been completely fine with it except she wasn't looking at me. She wasn't seeing me.

I knew then that we would never go back to what we were before. We would never be boyfriend and girlfriend. We would never be "brother and sister." And we would never be friend and friend. I now understand that she doesn't want me back. I understand that I wasn't enough. And I regret ever falling in love with her because now, I can't get back up.