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#57 - My friend thinks she's fat - but she's not!

Question: How do I help my friend?

I literally just had some deep talk with her yesterday and while I already knew these things, I'm beginning to see just how bad it is.

She's extremely insecure about her weight, constantly calling herself fat and whatnot.

What frustrates me is that she's not! And I have no idea how to show her that. She's always looking at the pictures of models and comparing herself to them.

She forces herself to go on diets just to lose weight and it scares me.

Her goal is 300 calories. We're 14.

I want to help her but I have a bad way with words and I don't know if what I'm saying is any good.

I know that you'll probably say to talk to an adult but please, is there anything I can do?

- Scared and worried

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Heya,

To be fair I wasn't going to say 'talk to an adult', but perhaps that is something you should consider if you find that you can't help your friend. She may have body dysmorphic disorder (BDD), which is a condition where someone sees a different version of themselves in the mirror compared to reality. I suggest you talk to your school counselor if you suspect that this is the case.

However, I also think that you as a friend can help in certain ways.

1. Get rid of these 'models'

One thing you can do is that you can find a way to ensure that your friend has little to no access to these skinny models that she's always comparing herself to. If it's in magazines, throw them away! If you're watching television together and she switches to a channel where these models are on display, change it immediately. I understand that with the age of social media it may be much harder to hide this information, but to your best to change the subject when she's talking about it.

2. Introduce her to real role models

Haha, see what I did there?

There are plenty of make-up artists and Youtubers and instagrammers and fashion bloggers these days that are beginning to say, "Hey, look. This isn't real, the pictures that you see. I look a certain way because of the lighting, or because I use certain filters, but this isn't real." I've seen tons of these videos appearing on my news feed, and they are actually changing the way people see famous personalities and whatnot. One thing I recommend is that you try and introduce your friend to models, instagrammers etc. who are down-to-earth and who are real.

Perhaps you should also introduce her to plus-size models as well, so that she can be able to see herself in a positive light. I do believe it's all about perspective, and if you can try and steer the negative perceptions she has of herself into positive ones, regardless of whether she's actually 'fat' or not, then that will hopefully help.

3. Offer to be her exercise buddy

Exercise is always great for you, regardless of whether you're skinny or fat. Offer to be your friend's exercise buddy, such that you're maybe going swimming or cycling or running together 3 times a week. That'll kill two birds with one stone:

(1) You're bonding with your best friend

(2) She's actually losing weight, but in a healthy way

(3) It'll boost her self esteem

Well then, I stand corrected! That's kill three birds with one stone!

4. Give her the assurance she needs

It's okay not to be perfect with words, but it's not that hard to say the occasional "you're beautiful" here and there. Compliments can go a long way, you know. So don't hesitate to tell her that she looks good, or that she looks pretty when she does. It may just be the assurance that she needs!

Remind her that you're both only fourteen and those things shouldn't matter. Be a friend, be there for her when she's feeling down, and continually tell her that she's amazing just the way she is.

5. Keep her busy/distracted

That's pretty self-explanatory xD

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All in all, if she thinks she's fat but she actually isn't, then like I said, it may actually be BDD that she has. In this case, you do need to talk to an adult because it's something that needs to be dealt with. You can also check out several websites that offer advice on how to deal with friends that have body dysmorphic disorder. 

If anyone of you reading this has ever experienced BDD or weight insecurity, either directly or indirectly, don't hesitate to comment your thoughts and feelings on the matter.

Love,

- genie_us xx

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