Your Wattpad Agony Aunt! (On hold)

60 - I want a best friend!

Dear Agony Aunt,

I want a best friend. This may not sound like a problem but I really need your help.

I'm a very outgoing person and I'm friends with everyone I know even the people who don't like me. Because I have so many friends I don't spend a lot of time with anyone. Most of my previous best friends aren't that close to me anymore yet we do all the things we did as besties. This worries me because that means I've been a pretty bad best friend to them. 

The problem is, I try to see things from everyone's perspective and this prevents me from spending a lot of time with one person. Also all the people I'm friends with have besties and so I cannot really confide in anyone. 

HELP!

::

 Hello!

Firstly, I'll refer you to some of the things I said in Problem #51, titled 'I always seem to attract drama'. There's a lot of stuff about trying to see things from everyone's perspective and how it can possibly have a negative effect on you, so if you check it out perhaps you'll gain a tip or two. 

Secondly, I'm afraid I'm probably the worst person to ask about how to get a best friend because I completely swore off best friends since I was around thirteen years of age. The reason why is another story for another day. 

Either way, I'll tell you what I think.

  A best friend should not be someone you seek

Having someone to call your 'best friend' is the best feeling in the world. You know they've got your back 24/7; you know that you can tell them anything and everything; and it's just that feeling that you get when you're terribly close to another person. It's amazing. In my experiences, becoming 'best friends' with someone just sort of happened I didn't foresee it, I didn't initiate it; it just happened. Such a friendship is built up over time, you see, so it's not something that you can tell decide, "I like her, and therefore I will work towards making her my bestie". It doesn't really work that way. 

Quite frankly, I'd say you're on the right path already. This is because becoming best friends with somebody starts by talking to people, talking to many people. Soon enough, you'll find yourself drifting off towards that person and vice versa, and it'll happen often, and you'll just feel so comfortable with him/her. It's a gradual process is what I'm trying to say, and I doubt you can ever see it coming. 

Think of it like falling in love with someone. Oftentimes, when people are consciously seeking love, they'll have a harder time finding it than people who aren't particularly seeking it. Perhaps it's because their focus is in the wrong place: they're in love with the idea of being in love rather than just chilling and waiting for it to happen when the time is right. Similarly, don't live your life with the mentality that you "want a best friend". Instead, just focus on enjoying the company of the friends you already have, and you may actually just find yourself getting one after all. 

You can, however, initiate bonding time

I've been reading my other problem children and I clearly like to talk about bonding time, eh? 

Perhaps this is because it's one of the most important things in a friendship.Out of all of your friends, is there one or two that you have particularly taken a liking to? Perhaps it's someone you feel like you can trust more than everyone else; or someone you just have so much fun with. When you're in a large group of people, is there someone you find yourself whispering to or giggling with because of something someone else said? In your social groups, identify such a person, and attempt to create a closer bond with them.

It goes without saying that the quickest and/or easiest way of bonding with someone is by spending time with them alone. So why not ask this one friend of yours if s/he'd like to go to the movies with you,or if s/he'd want to have lunch with you sometime? If they equally enjoy your company, it shouldn't be too difficult to organize. And, if the 'date'goes well, you'll definitely come out having a stronger relationship, and you'll find yourself hanging out more and more with that person.    

An outside source?

You say that "all the people I'm friends with have besties", which you feel makes it harder to make closer ties with others. 

Before I state my suggestion, are you sure that this is the case? Or are you just making assumptions based on who spends a lot of time with each other? I'm asking this because a more often than not I've also assumed that people are 'best friends' because they're always together, but upon asking them, it's actually not the case. I remember asking my friend one time whether her and another girl were besties, and she was like: "No way! Is she telling people that? She's actually just ALWAYS clinging on to me and I don't know how to get her off my back! She's so annoying. Why would you even think she's my best friend?!" And so maybe you're making assumptions. It could be this very assumption that others already have their own best friends that is hindering you from getting closer to them. 

Or perhaps you're not making assumptions and all your friends do have other best friends. If that's the case, have you tried to socialize outside of school or whatever? Perhaps you have a neighbour your age, or if you're in like a dance class or something idk lol I'm just saying, you can try improving your friendships with people who aren't in your existing friendship circles and you might just make a best friend out of them!

::

But, like I'd first stated, don't think about getting a best friend too much. Just focus on building up your friendships and if it's meant to be, then it will happen. 

I'd also like to throw it out there that it's also okay not to have a best friend. I haven't had one for a couple years now, and I like to think I'm doing fine. It doesn't mean that I don't have any close friends that I can confide in; because I have several. I personally think 'best friends' are overrated, but that's because it's broken my heart in the past. Anyway, don't mind me. 

You just do you. ;)

Love,

- genie_us xx

::