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#72 - I feel like the second hand friend

Hi genie!

Here is my problem:

I am a geek who is socially awkward and I feel like a "second hand" friend, like the one you call cause you just don't have anybody to talk to but not in a "he is a good friend so we should talk" manner but in a "well since I'm bored I might as well talk to this annoying person I don't like" manner.

I mean my bff seems cool as all but since I am not into sports we only hang out for video games and that makes me feel like I am being used just because I don't have many friends.

I think the fault is mine because I have suffered from anxiety since I was young and have been bullied for not playing sports and being called a girl, but I passed that and got in a happier stage in life. Second, from my anxiety I'm afraid I'll be judged by people I don't know just because I am not sporty but I know most people don't care.

What confuses me is that I am a straight A student, who is extremely friendly and knows his way on the nets.

On a third thought, another problem with me is that I can be a bit overly attached on a friendship (not like a crazy girlfriend and all) since I expect the same amount of respect and appreciation I give, but sometimes they find it hard to understand or realise.

Good day, from fanboy.

::

Hello!

So you didn't ask any direct questions in your message, but I am looking at around three main problems you pointed out to me:
(1) you feel like a second hand friend, so you are wondering how to get out of that
(2) you blame this on yourself because you don't seem to be into the same things as the other guys
(3) your friends don't seem to appreciate what you give to the friendship/you seem overly attached

I'm going to address the first and third one together because in my experience, they are interconnected. Truth is, as much as I hate to admit it, I have treated some people as 'second-hand friends' as you call it. But, I have also been the second hand friend, so I also know how you feel.

So from my experiences of treating others as second hand friends and/or me being treated as one, I managed to think up a few reasons why people are treated as second hand friends that if you're able to identify, may help you know what to do.

1. Out of Obligation

Sometimes, when you are friends with someone who is also part of a bigger crew that you aren't a part of, you may feel like a second-hand friend because of the fact that they feel obliged to talk to you only because your one of their mate's friends. If this sounds confusing, let me try and use names.

Say that you and Eric are friends. You know each other because you're neighbors, and so you get along well. However, in school, Eric doesn't hang out with you as much because he's got a squad with Davis and Phillip. But when you want to hang out with Eric, he's very welcoming of you into the squad, but because Davis and Phillip don't know you as well, they find it difficult to really accept you as part of them. Thus, you feel unwanted because they're only doing it because you both have a mutual friend in Eric. And when Eric isn't there, Davis and Phillip don't seem to pay much attention to you.

If this is the case, then I don't think that you should take it personally. I used to think that I had to make an effort to be friends with my friend's friends, but in actuality I didn't, because sometimes you realize that you may not have the same things in common and that's okay. Don't take it personally that Davis and Phillip don't seem to keen to be your friend, and you don't need to put in effort to be theirs either if you don't have much in common. By not taking their actions towards you personally, you don't feel like the second-hand friend anymore because you realize that the problem isn't you.