Empire // h.s. au

Comforting People

Samantha Anderson

Dinner was painfully awkward. Especially the part where all I could hear was Luke and Riley discussing me and their, what seemed to be, ongoing relationship. 

It hadn't hit me yet. But I knew Luke and I neared our end. We possibly were at it. Too much had happened for me to ever actually believe we could work out. But I could play along for awhile. Until it got painful. 

Harry's presence didn't help. I wanted to be with him, to not act like I hate him with every fiber of my being, because I couldn't possibly. Although he wasn't perfect, he was something in my life I never thought I'd experience.

That whole "great and powerful love" thing never seemed real to me. That uncontrollable feeling for someone that held you to them. That feeling of being unable to ever truly let them go in your heart. Those feeling, before him, sounded so foreign and unrealistic. 

But I felt nothing else for him. He was all I could ever imagine loving. I didn't love Luke anymore. I hadn't for awhile, at least not romantically. 

Harry was it for me. But I was unclear as to whether I could ever really be with him. If he could ever be with me, or I with him. 

It seemed too far fetched. 

"You seem deep in thought," my mother said, coming behind me and hugging my waist as I rubbed the dish I'd been washing for the last five minutes. "Penny for a thought?"

"Just, it's nothing," I said to her shrugging. I was not going to tell her about Riley and Luke, that would only cause problems. "I'm tired and full, can't help but think about life." 

"Can I talk to you about something?" she said, looking around to make sure the kitchen was empty. I nodded my head and set the dish in the sink, it sparkled due to my meticulous scrubbing. "You and Luke aren't together anymore, are you?"

I was flabbergasted. How the hell...?

"What are you talking about?" I asked, raising my eyebrows.

She chuckled, " I can read body language with the best of them, there is no romantic anything between you two these days. Not like there was." 

I felt tears brim in my eyes. Strong Samantha seemed to be at her breaking point. 

Heartbroken Samantha was prepared to take over.

"Oh honey," she cried, wrapping me in a huge. I sobbed into her shoulder, every feeling I'd felt in the last months all hitting the brim. I was done. Finished. The tears held so much weight it physically pained me. All I wanted was my mom, in this moment. She rubbed my hair and held me close as I cried, all my emotion coming forth.

She spoke kind words to be. All of them including: "you're okay" "don't worry". 

"Everything is falling apart," I cried, looking at her with what I'm sure were raccoon eyes.

"No, sweetheart, it's not. It feels that way, but you don't need him. You never did. No woman needs a man. It may feel like you need him or that you're lost without him, but in the end you will be stronger. Sure, a man is nice to have around, but you do not need him."

Her words comforted me, but, in my mind, they did little to heal the wounds that Luke formed. They did give me hope regarding Harry, though.  I didn't need Harry. I sure as hell wanted him, but I didn't need him. And I needed to remind myself of that. 

"Thank you," I mouthed, my throat too raw from the cries to actually let out a sound. I was frustrated by my life at this point. My love life was falling apart even more than it already was apart. My family was clueless to my problems, besides my bitch of a sister. And finally, I was an awful friend who rarely called or sounded like I even cared.

I wanted to crawl in my bed and cry. But I had to be strong. Stronger than ever before. When I let go of my mom I felt the tears leave my eyes. She looked at me intently as I pulled myself together. 

"I love you, honey, you'll be okay."

I wanted to respond, but it didn't feel necessary at that moment. She left the room and I leaned over the counter, breathing deeply. I looked into the window that sat above the sink and I observed my reflection. So much had changed in the last year. I wasn't the bubbly blonde in this moment. I looked worn out and more mature. 

My hair had grown longer, but my hair was also very layered, adding volume. My eyes were more defined and striking. My cheeks were more chiseled, my cheekbones protruding. My lips poutier. Everything. I was a different person. 

Yet, there was still the familiarity of me. The blonde hair that never failed to make me look like I wasn't as smart as I was. The nose that had always felt too small or too large. And my dang eyebrows that always seemed to grow far too bushy. 

I tore my eyes from the window just as I faced by expression. The sad, overly tired girl who wanted a boy who'd never love her. 

~

"I'm so sorry for showing up, like, 5 hours late," Aria laughed as she entered into my apartment. She wrapped her thin arms around me, smiling at me. "He came over this morning and I guess we made up? I don't know, I had to come here, though, and talk to you about stuff." 

"I'm glad you're here," I smiled, happy to have a friend. My family was lounging in the living room, with Harry, Louis, and Eleanor all sitting along with them. Aria walked past me and sat at the feet of my brother, Ethan. They had always hit it off well. She balanced his overwhelming personality very well. 

"Hey Aria!" my mother squealed, excited to see my best friend. "It's been far too long since I've seen you, my dear!" 

"How are you?" Aria said, leaning towards my mom. I drowned out their conversation, floating to sit on the couch, next to Harry. I avoided sitting too close to him, but I dealt with it. 

"Hello," Harry said, moving closer to me and whispering in my ear.

"Hi," I mumbled.

"I'm sorry," is all he said before turning back to his conversation with Louis. He delicately leaned over to me and grabbed my hand, slyly so it wasn't seen. He squeezed with a reassuring grasp and I nearly cried all over again. His comfort was something I needed.

And now I had.