His Baby {completed}

Chapter 22: Part 1

"How do you feel when you hit her? Or right before you hit her"

I look down and then begin to bite my nails nervously. I never really thought about how I felt whenever I laid my hands on Eve to be honest. I didn't feel strong or even powerful when I did it. I just reacted and not really caring what came afterwards. The intense need to get my point across to her always came out in violence instead of reason. I was always this way. A reactor. I was never one for reason or for pleading for understanding by anyone. If I didn't like how things were going or if someone was up in my shit, I would start swinging and not ask any questions. I always went by the "Fuck talking" motto. But now that I have a woman, who I love with all of the life within me, I can't just live by that motto anymore.

I frown over at Dr. Stone, "I guess... I feel angry." The older man raises a brow. "You guess?" He asked. I heave out sigh of frustration not for the topic at hand but because I honestly didn't know how to really explain it to someone. "I don't feel while I hit her. Before I hit her, I feel incredibly frustrated and angry. Like she isn't hearing me or atleast not understanding my point. I consciously know that I need to take my time with her or perhaps even walk away when I get to that point of anger, but it feels like I have to make her understand."

"And by making her understand, you hit her?" Dr. Stone ask with a blank expression in a raspy voice void of any emotion. I sit and think about it before I answer. "Fuck! This is making me seem like such a dick....I mean... yes, I know that I am a dick but it's just even more horrible now that I am hearing myself say all of this shit out loud.......sometimes the only way I feel like she understands or will drop a topic is if... I hit her or scare her enough. Jesus this sounds so so so so fucked up! I-I'm not angry when I hit her, I feel more numb. Like_"

"Like when you are out on the job and you are going to take care of a target?" Dr. Stone interjected.

"Yes I guess you are right, it's like... we can both be screaming or she can just be screaming and I start feeling extremely frustrated and cornered. I then feel angry because it's like she isn't hearing me in a way or understanding where I am coming from. Then I just stop being angry and the next thing I know, I have hurt her or she is afraid."

"Do you or have you ever blacked out on her?" I shake my head quickly, "No...wait, Once when I thought she left me shortly after she and Olivia moved in with me. That was back when we were living at the penthouse before Lucas. She left without telling me. She left me. But she came back. I remember feeling relieved and then everything went blank. When I came back around, I was over her....choking her." I finished and cleared my own raspy throat.

"All the other times...I-I am aware of what I am doing, It's just like I don't care. Shit that doesn't sound right...I do care! But it's just like the consequences afterward isn't considered by me or a concern in that moment." Dr. Stone doesn't respond right away to my words. The fast scribbling of the pen in his leather notebook is the only sound being heard in the room. I push down the urge yet again to jump forward and take a peek at what he was writing down.

"How do you feel afterwards? After you hit her."

"Guilty. I feel like shit. I justify it with blaming her b-but I know that it's me. This whole bullshit that I find myself in with her is all on me. And then...I feel like him. I feel like I have turned into him. All of my fucking life I promised myself over and over that I will never be like him! That I will be better then he ever was. That I will be more of a man then he was ever able to be....but I now realize that I am no fucking better then that fucking scum bag. I feel like shit Doctor. I still feel like shit whenever I remember ever hurting Eve. You would think that it would make me want to do better. And it does but guilt isn't enough to get me to stop hurting the person who I am madly in love with. What kind of fucked up shit is that? Love isn't enough to make me get my shit together....so what does that say about me Doctor? Am I not capable of loving someone enough? Does that make me subhuman in a way? Like who the fuck does shit like me on the daily basis and calls themselves normal?" I sink down in my leather chair, feeling like the lowest of the low.