All This Time

Chapter 5

It's been 2 weeks since the scene with Brian and Elliot. I haven't talked to either of them since, but Brian is out of the hospital. I don't know where Elliot is. It's overwhelming. What should I think? Brian could've just been mad, he loves me.

I was thinking and heating up some leftover Chinese I had from last night, when I hear a knock at my door.

"Coming!" I yell as I rush towards the door, opening it with a smile. I look up to be faced with my supposed lover. Brian. "What are you doing here?" I splat out, immediately losing the smile. Immediate anger takes over.

"Liv, I-" he began.

"Don't 'Liv' me. What were you thinking, Brian? I mean c'mon. You have been such a jerk! I let you practically walk all over me. I thought you loved me?!" I throw at him, using my hands as my demonstration.

"Olivia. I'm sorry. Yes, I've been a jerk, I didn't mean it, I swear. I love you, Olivia. You are the love of my life. You mean the world to me. I couldn't imagine spending my life with any other woman. You are my everything. I can't imagine a life without you." he begins. He gets down on one knee and pulls out a ring. My face turns to shock. "Olivia Benson, will you marry me?" he asks.

"I...I...I don't know what to say," I say as I stand there in shock. I look up to see Elliot. Oh gosh, what did I just do? I think to myself. I give Brian a look of disgust. Elliot begins to walk away.

"Get out of my way you jerk," I say as I try to catch up to Elliot. I stop and turn around. "Oh and by the way...no. Never in my life," I say to Brian and rush off to catch Elliot.

"El! Elliot! Wait, please! It's not what it looks like! I swear!" I say to him when I catch up to him. I put my hand on his arm. He jerks away from me and turns around to face me.

"Oh, really Liv? Because to me, it looked like Brian was proposing to you! What the heck happened?! How could you do this?" he asks me. I could see how upset he was. I got furious.

"Who are you? Thinking you can walk right back into my life and think you have the number one spot in my life? Well guess what Elliot? Reality just smacked you right in the face. You don't get to control my life. You don't get to walk right back in and claim me as yours," I say to him as I cross my arms.

"Liv, I'm sorry for that. I rea-" he begins to say, but I cut him off.

"You just don't get it do you? 3 years Elliot. 3...long...years. Do you know how much pain you put me through? I didn't know what happened to you. Elliot I cared about you. I missed you. It hurt. I didn't know what to do. I cried myself to sleep. Every. Single. Night. For so long. So long. I shut everyone out. I wanted you. I wanted you to hold me and tell me it was okay. But you weren't there for me. Now, you can't control my love life. You do not get to do that," I say. Tears were streaming down my face. He had this look in his eye. I knew he was truly sorry, but could I risk it?

"Liv...you know me. I would never do that to you just to hurt you. I care about you. I missed you too. I thought about you. Every. Single. Day. I wanted to cry, but I had to keep it together. God, Olivia. If I could've been there to hold you, I would've. God, I would've," he said to me as he wiped my tears and looked me in the eyes. Those pierced, ocean blue eyes. This is where I wanted to be. This is what I wanted to wake up to every morning.

"For the record..." I begin as he grabs my hand. "I said no. I went off on him. I swear I'm not in love with him. I don't love him. I could never. He's such a jerk. I didn't even know he was going to come do that," I say as I look down.

"Olivia, you don't have to explain yourself. It doesn't matter," he said to me as he lifted my head up. I just began to cry. I couldn't help it. He took me into his arms and I put my arms around his neck and cried into his shoulder. "Shh...it's okay. I'm here, Liv. I'm not going anywhere," he said as he stroked my hair.

I didn't want to let out of this hug. But, I can't just have him walk in my life and give him a chance just like that. I don't know what to do. I truly don't.

"El..." I say as my tears slowly start to fade away. I lift my head from his shoulder.

"Yeah, Liv?" he questions as he looks directly in my eyes.

"I can't do this," I say.

"What, Liv?" he asks.

"This. Be with you. I can't just let you have that place in my life again. Not just like that. Trust me. I want to but, I just don't know," I say and I begin to let my arms fall from around his neck. I begin to play around with his fingers.

"Liv, I understand. I'm not holding anything against you, okay?" he asks me and grabs my hands, tight. I smile a little and nod. "I will wait for as long as I need, okay? I'm here. As long as I get my chance, huh?" he says with a laugh. I slap his chest playfully.

"Gosh, what am I going to do with you?" I say as we both laugh.

Then, we are there. Silence. Not awkward silence. Just the silence where it's all okay and you know it is. I knew what was fixing to happen. I was fixing to get my first, real kiss from Elliot Stabler.