Control.

-18-

Niara

"Niara who was that nigga?" Myles asked putting on his seat belt. I kept glancing over to him and then the road. "Promise me when I tell you this you can't tell Javier, alright?" I asked "I swear!" he protested. "A few months back, like a few days before you came Javier beat me down like really bad. I met this guy named Elijah and he attracted me, I felt a connection for a moment. I fucked him in his backseat and then we had an incident in my dressing room and since then he won't leave me alone." I explained quickly.

Myles shook his head in confusion, "So you, cheated?" he asked slowly. "Yes. I did." I sighed. "Does Javier know?" he continued. "No! That's why I said don't tell him anything; he can't know Myles, he just can't!" I cried. "So you're gonna live with this lie? Just gonna take it to the grave?" he asked. For a child to question my reasonings, it really hit home. "I'm too scared, and you know what will happen." I said wiping away a tear. "Yea I do."he mumbled. "Can I tell you something?" he asked. "Sure." I answered.

He twiddled his thumbs for a moment and then looked at me with teary eyes. Whatever he had to tell me it must've really made him feel some type of way, but why was he tearing up? "Last night, when you left, Javier and me had a little heart to heart. He brought you up and said how much he cares for you and he finally realized how badly he has treated you, he wishes he could take back everything he's said, but he doesn't know how. But what really got was he said he wanted to be a family and he was thinking about....you know?" he explained.

"Marrying me?" I blurted out "Yes." he answered. "Javier. Javier Hector Hernadez. Wants to marry me?" I reiterated. "Yes. But what has me caught up is, I really want to be a family and I'm a afraid that you'd say no and leave Javier." he mumbled. "Are you sure that's who you're worried about Myles?" I questioned. I knew the real answer was him, he was afraid I would leave him. "Ugh, it's hard for me to say it because it reminds me of my real parents. I'm afraid you would leave me." he finally said. He looked out the window and I started hearing him sniffle.

"Myles, you know even if I left Javier; I would take you with me. Even though I didn't grow up with you and i wasn't there to feel the pain you felt and witnessed, I truly can't remember life before you. The first time you showed up I felt this thing build up inside me, kinda felt like hope. Everytime I look at you I see me, I see how screwed up and disfunctional I felt as a kid. I felt like I was not loved and I was just some insignificant waste of space." I explained. "How do you know I feel like that?" he sighed. 

I looked at him,  "These are the feelings children get when they basically had to fend for themselves, they didn't have an adult to tell them they are beautiful in every way. I want you to know that you are so beautiful to me absolutely manificant." my voice cracked. "I love you Niara, I really do. You're the first person who can see through me and tell I'm more than just some grey- eyed freak." he mumbled. 

His words shot my soul,"What do you mean grey-eyed freak?" I questioned. "Please don't laugh." he begged. "Never!" I pleaded. "I know I don't seem like the one to get bullied but, I get clowned everyday by the whole 8th grade." he admited. I gasped, " Remember that day I came home reaking of pee and I kept re-washing my hair? Well I was talking to this nigga's girl and she is like the prettiest girl on the grade level. He got mad so him and his friends got balloons filled with pee and while I was still talking to her they threw them at me." he explained. 

I stared at him with horror, "Myles, why didn't you tell nobody?"  "It's over with so it wouldn't matter anymore." he gritted through his teeth. I sighed and turned off to my exit, "Look. I'm sorry this is happening to you, mine was worst. I'm not saying your's is not a big deal but mine was so bad I use to cut myself." I stated showing him the scars on my left wrist. He touched one healed one and then kissed it, this had me thrown because I wasn't expecting this. He gave me a wide grin and I smiled back. "I love Myles..." I stated.

"I love Myles too." he laughed. I laughed as well, "so where you wanna go?" I asked. "Umm can we go get ice cream, I feel like something sweet." he smiled. "Cool, cool." I turned on the radio and Blurred Lines by Robin Thicke ft. T.I. came played.>>to hear song play vid. to right...if you on ur fone... u S.O.L. srry

Rakeem

I can't stop thinking about her, I promised her I'd take her to the brightside of life, but I blew it. I didn't mean to slap her, It just fucking ticks me off when someone calls me a creep because it forces me to realize how obbsessed I can become with another female. This reminds me of that summer time when we graduated high school, after I apologized for kidnapping her from her house we became tight like two homies in a gang tight.....

*Flashback*

..Y'all probably gonna remember this line..hint hint..... it's from a dream Niara had.

"We have to be together it's all I ever wanted." she said. "But you told me  that I was creepy, and you hate the fact I'm always around even when you least expect it." I replied. "I didn't mean it. I had no one else to turn to." she started to cry. "Don't say that. You have me and that's all you ever need, I promise." I stated while embracing her. "I love you Rakeem, But I just can't keep doing this with you." she cried. 

"I know, trust m-" "No! you don't know, can't you see I love you? One moment you say  all you need is me and then you push me away!" she yelled. I couldn't take her words, even though they were true. I focused in on a picture of us I had on my nightstand. I turned back to her and lifted her chin, "You gotta understand I'm in a situation and you know that." I replied. "That bitch you call a girlfriend? Me and you are closer than anything! but you still chose her over me." she broke down. I scooted across my matress to her and put my hand on her thigh.

"We have the best friendship, sometimes I feel that it should be more Niara." I said trying to calm her down. "I didn't want a fucking friendship! I wanted to be loved!" she wailed. "I'm sorry....." I apologized. "I hate you, I really do. You fucking creep!" she yelled. At this point I lost it and all I saw was red, I pounced on top of her and wrapped my hands around her neck. I saw her eyes rolling in the back of her head and she struggled for air, I realized what I was doing and I stopped. I scooted to my headboard and watched her regain conciousness.

"See what I mean?" she gasped for air. " I didn't mean t-" "Save it Rakeem, but why do you get so angry when people call you a creep?" she questioned in a hoarse voice. "Because.... I-I have this obsession disorder and when I get going I can't stop. I didn't follow you around all the time because I was creppy, I justt couldn't help it and that's the same reason why I held you hostage...I had really dark fantazies about you." I mumbled. "So, what did you think about at night?" she knit her brow. 

" Do I have to tell?" I whinned. "Dammit! Just say it I won't judge you!" she yelled. "Ok! I use to think about fingering you....touching you and other stuff." I admitted. I looked at her face and she was disgusted, "What else?" she gulped. "I also set up cameras everywhere in your room so I could watch you sleep and take off you clothes." I mumbled. "Oh." she replied. "I know it was weird, but I-" "I'll see you later." she sighed. "Wait can I at least get a hug before you leave?" I begged. She walked over and sat on my lap, she then put both arms around me."We'll be together one day, I promise." I whispered; she said nothing. She was so warm and I could feel her heartbeat. It was really slow and almost depressing. I didn't mean to hurt her feelings but I'm in my situtation.....

*End of Flashback*

That was the last day I saw Niara, actually that was the last day she saw me. I continued to follow her around until I saw her start meeting up with that nigga who had that big curly afro. At that point I realized she moved on, unfortunately. I thought I was never going to see her again, but she came back when she was at the hospital. I was so happy to see her but then I was also upset my obsessions came back and now I can't shake them. I have the urge to watch her again, but I know It'll be in vain. But one time one hurt right?

I can't do this I have to clear things up between us, I'm not a kid anymore and I realize now how she felt when I kept pushing her away even when she expressed how much she loved me. I'll just gotta figure out a way to make things right.

TO BE CONTINUED.....