Truly, Madly, Deeply: A Dark Louis Tomlinson Fan Fiction

Chapter 38: Lights

Sometimes the hardest part is admitting that this time around, you just weren't good enough.

Not that you weren't pretty enough, or smart enough, but just not good enough, in the truest sense of the word. You have to accept that you made a mistake, and no amount of lucky pennies, wishes on stars and 11:11 are going to take away the pain you inflicted on yourself.

I guess it's also the realization that your days of innocence are gone. That beyond the veil of sun drenched afternoons and whispered carelessness is a world that's going to treat you as ruthlessly as you treat everyone else. I had given him my innocence. I had given him all that I could and hadn't expected anything in return. But what happens when it's too late to realize that you put your faith in the wrong person and they leave you with nothing else to believe in?

Outside, the sun had just begun glowing on the horizon, bringing with it a brand new day. A new beginning. But it wasn't doing anything for me but illuminating all the life altering decisions I had made in the past 24 hours, which somehow seemed a million times worse in the light of day. I hated myself, I absolutely positively did. I'd had one shot at the happiness that i'd spent seventeen years craving, and i'd blown it. For what? A boy who I wasn't even sure was capable of having any sort of relationship outside a bedroom.

I hadn't been able to fall asleep last night, so i'd moved over to the window seat, staring for God knows how many hours at the inky black sky, making a wish on every single star I could see that l could rewind last night and change everything. Thinking that I would give anything to have all the time in the world with Louis, to do all the things we never got to do and say all the words we never got to say. But those who assume that they have time to do everything are usually the ones who end up having no time at all to do anything.

In the bed, Perrie had begun to stir, and I stiffened, not quite ready to have to talk to her about how I was feeling just yet. I myself wasn't even quite sure how I was feeling. All I knew was that I regretted absolutely everything that had lead up to this point, but I couldn't even recall how it had even gotten this bad. It was like I had been a drunk driver, speeding down the road a hundred miles per hour, but I had still been surprised when I had crashed and burned.

Next to me, my phone started buzzing, and I looked at it wearily, knowing that the name flashing on the screen would be the opposite of who I wanted it to be, no matter who it was. I had never been more correct in my entire life. What Ryder Hartley could possibly want from me at 6:30 in the morning wasn't what was important, what was important was the fact that he was contacting me at all. He obviously had to know what had happened last night, Ryder knew everything. I picked up the vibrating phone and slipped out of the bedroom so that I wouldn't wake Perrie, unwillingly pressing the green button to answer the call.

"Ryder." I begged, surprised by the urgency in my voice, which was hoarse from crying. "Please just leave me alone right now, i'll do anything if you just leave me alone for the rest of the day."

"Stella, Stella, Stella." He replied, a disgusting smugness in his tone. "Riddle me this: what happens when an angel falls from heaven?"

"The whole world goes to hell." I responded sadly. "It begins to burn from the inside out, just like you wanted it to."

"I hate to break it to you baby, but you're the one that set it on fire. I'm just here to make sure the flame doesn't go out. I've got big plans, and since I hate hearing you so upset, i'm willing to share them with you. Meet me at 11:30 at the Starbucks in Miami Beach, and make sure you come alone."

"Ryder, i'm done with your games!" I said angrily. "I've done my part, now let me go on with whatever I have left of my life after last night."

Ryder chuckled darkly, the eeriness in his voice seemingly intensified by the dead silence in the hallway. "Oh sweetie, the games have just begun, and trust me, none of them are ones you want to lose."

With that, he hung up, and I began tearing up in frustration all over again. I had absolutely nothing left in me to give to a world that kept testing me to my breaking point, as if each time would wield a different result. Sobs wracked through my body as I prayed for something, anything, to come along and take away the pain that was making me feel as if I was being burned alive. I was so distraught I hadn't even noticed that an exhausted looking Perrie had rushed into the hallway and was now kneeling in front of me, looking horrified.

"Stella, look at me." She pleaded, taking my hand in hers.

"No!" I yelled. "Just make it stop, Perrie. Please, please make it stop."

She wrapped her arms around me, pulling me into her. "Make what stop? Shhh, I promise that it's all going to be okay love."

"No, it's not! Nothing is ever going to be okay, it never has been and it never will be. I just don't want to hurt anymore." I cried into her shoulder. "I just want to die Perrie, and never have to deal with any of this shit anymore."

"Stella, you stop that right now!" She demanded. "Yeah, you made a stupid mistake, i'm not here to bullshit you. But that doesn't mean that it isn't going to turn out okay. I'm here to make sure that it does. But you have got to stop hiding things from me!"

I shook my head. "Perrie, I have too. I'm just trying to keep you safe."

"Honey." Perrie said softly. "You don't have to protect me. I can take care of myself. But you, you need someone to take care of you. Louis let you down. Niall always lets you down. But i'm going to be here for you, always, no matter what it is you're about to tell me."

I sighed, debating my options. I wanted nothing more than to tell Perrie everything that i'd been going through the last couple months. It dawned on me for the first time that I hadn't told anyone anything: about Ryder, about Louis, about my mixed feelings for Niall. It felt as if I had done nothing but carry the weight of the world on my shoulders for weeks. It was, I decided finally, time to let go.

"Okay, let me start from the beginning..." I took a deep breath before spending the next few hours telling Perrie everything. Every last, single detail that I could remember, from the moment that I had first laid eyes on Louis, to the first time we kissed, to when Niall had manipulated his way back into my life, to that night when Ryder had attacked me, to the deal I had made with him, to Louis' drug problem, to Rivera and Avery's drug war, to my constant uncertainty about which one of the boys I loved more, all the moments that had lead to last night's apocalypse. She listened intently, not saying a word as I relayed the somewhat unbelievable story, making sure that I didn't leave anything out. When I finally finished, she just stared, her mouth slightly agape.

"Is all of that really true?" She asked finally, shaking her head.

I nodded. "Every single word."

"Oh Stel." She breathed, tears filling her usually bright blue eyes. "I am so, so very sorry."

"Don't be sorry Pezza." I objected. "If anything, you should be the opposite of sorry. You've done nothing but stand by my side when I felt as if I was losing everything."

She took my hand in hers. "What are you going to do now? I mean, we. What are we going to do now."

"I'm going to meet with Ryder. I have no other choice." I sighed. "I can't let him win. He's already taken too much away from me."

"I won't let you see him alone. That boy is dangerous, far more dangerous than I think you actually comprehend." She told me forcefully. "I actually think that you may pity him slightly, like you have Stockholm Syndrome."

"I do not pity him." I protested, disgusted at the thought. "Sure, it's easy to be charmed by him, but that's what makes him so good at what he does: being a homicidal sociopath. I don't underestimate him in the slightest. But I have to go alone, I can't guarantee that he won't hurt you, or someone else I love if I don't."

After about fifteen seconds, Perrie finally nodded. "Okay. But keep your phone with you at all times. If anything, and I mean anything goes wrong, call me, or Zayn, or Liam, or Harry, and I promise you that help will come. You're never truly going to be alone ever again Stel."

I hugged her tightly, squeezing. "I know." I whispered. "I know."

"You can take my car." She sniffed, wiping her eyes. "That way you wont have to stop off back at home and risk seeing, well, you know."

My heart felt pained at her mention of Niall. I didn't even want to imagine how he was feeling right now. I had slept with him, stood by and watched as my ex-boyfriend beat him to a pulp, then completely blown him off to chase said ex-boyfriend down the road. If he loved me even half as much as he said he did, he was probably doing just as badly as I was. I wanted nothing more than to call him, to have him tell me he was okay just to put myself at ease, but that was probably a terrible idea. It was obvious to me now which one of them I had loved more, which one I had loved all along, but I wasn't ready to admit it to myself yet. I wasn't ready to let go of either of them. One was the sun, who brightened up my world even on the darkest of days, but the other one was the moon, who without I wouldn't be able to see the stars that always seemed to guide me where I needed to go.

"Thanks." Was all I said, choking on my words. I hated how fragile I felt, as if whatever was left of me would crumble apart at any given second. Perrie stood, holding out a hand to help me up, continuing to clutch mine in hers as she guided me down the stairs and through the foyer towards the front door.

"Remember, be careful. Don't trust a word Hartley says." She instructed, handing me her keys. "He's not on your side, he's not on anyone's side but his own.

"Trust me, I probably know Ryder better than anyone." I told her, shocked at the truth in my words. As much as I despised him, I had always felt as if Ryder had had a certain affection towards me that he didn't have for anyone else- well as much as it was possible for him to have affection for someone. He always seemed to have is guard down slightly when we were together, something it was time to start using to my advantage.

Perrie kissed me softly on the forehead. "Good luck darling."

I gave her a small wave as I walked outside in the the bright, breezy morning. The sky was a light, cloudless shade of perriwinkle and it was warm for autumn, even for Miami. Basically, the weather was the complete opposite of my mood. I unlocked her Mini Cooper and slid into the car, blaring the radio to try to drown out my thoughts. Wrecking Ball by Miley Cyrus was playing, and even though I liked the song it was a bit too appropriate for my current situation.

No I never meant to start a war

I just wanted you to let me in

And instead of using force

I guess I should have let you in

No I never meant to start a war

I just wanted you to let me in

I guess I should've let you in

Don't you ever say I just walked away, I will always want you

Much to my chagrin, I felt myself beginning to tear up again. I shut off the radio, focusing my bleary gaze on the road as I sped down the highway towards Miami Beach. I got there in pretty good time, about 10 minutes before I was scheduled to meet Ryder.

Since it was early on a Sunday, I was able to find parking right down the street, and I hastily shoved some quarters into the meter, trying to avoid any reflective surface that would show me my own appearance. I was still wearing the Florida State t shirt and a pair of Nike shorts with flip flops, unsure of whether or not I had even brushed my hair at any point. My mother would have a coronary if she saw me. But at this point, I could care less what I looked like. In fact it was better that I looked so shitty, maybe Ryder would leave me alone for once.

I crossed the street and headed into Starbucks, joining the line. While I was waiting, I snuck a quick look around the cafe, searching for Ryder, but he hadn't gotten here yet. I shuddered, almost dreading seeing him.

"Ma'am, can I help you?" Asked the barista, snapping me back to reality.

"Oh, um, yes. I'll have a grande java chip frappacino please." I said absentmindedly, ordering the first thing I saw on the menu.

"That'll be $4.76 please." Said the shaggy haired hipster who was serving me, and I reached into my wallet, attempting to hand him my credit card, but t slipped out of my hand and fell to the floor, causing me to sigh in frustration.

"Need some help there angel?" Came a smooth, deep voice, one that sent shivers down my spine. I hadn't even seen him walk in. It was almost as if Ryder appeared out of nowhere, like something in a nightmare. As usual, he was as handsome as ever in a navy blue Ralph Lauren knit sweater and dark jeans that brought out the light blue in his eyes. I had to admit, it made me almost uneasy how perfectly put together Ryder always was. Maybe if he wore sweatpants and converse like the rest of us he wouldn't be so intimidating.

"I don't need your help." I said confidently, picking up my credit card. But before I knew what he was doing, Ryder had pulled out his Louis Vuitton wallet and was paying for my coffee. "What are you doing?!" I huffed.

"Buying a pretty girl some coffee." He said nonchalantly, as if we were a couple out for Sunday brunch.

"Why are you buying me coffee? I hate you." I told him spitefully as he slipped his wallet back into his pocket.

He shook his head. "Hate's a strong word angel. Are you sure you aren't describing how you feel about yourself?"

His comment took me aback, so much so that I wasn't even sure how to reply. So I kept my mouth shut as the barista handy me some icy, whipped concoction in a plastic cup. "Thanks." Was all that came to mind. "For the drink."

"No problem." Ryder mumbled, almost shyly. "I wish you'd let me do more nice things for you."

I scoffed. "Hartley, you've taken away every nice thing i've ever had."

Ryder took his coffee from the barista and gave me a small smirk. "You didn't make it very hard. You practically gave them to me."

"Listen." I said, sitting down. "I'm not in the mood to deal with your shit today. As a matter of fact, today is probably the worst day of my entire life. So if we could keep this meeting short and sweet, i'd appreciate it."

"Whatever you want Stella." He shrugged sitting across from me. "I just wanted to thank you for holding up your end of the deal, and to promise you that i'm going to keep mine. Your precious Louis is safe."

I wasn't going to lie, I almost teared up at the sound of Louis' name. "Okay."

"But this doesn't mean that it's all over. You've got to keep up the charade now. You cant' give Louis any reason to think that he has any chance with you, because if he starts believing he has something worth fighting for... well you know what i'll be forced to do. What Sloane Rooney would be more than happy to help me do." He told me, sipping his coffee. "Do we have a deal? Well, another deal."

I nodded. "Whatever you want Ryder. It's not like Louis would ever want me back anyway. I'm damaged goods."

"Stop with the self pity angel, you made your bed, and now you have to lie in it. Besides it's not as if you're alone, apparently Niall Horan is in there with you."

I angrily slid back my chair, standing up to leave, but Ryder quickly grabbed my arm to stop me. "Come on, I was only joking. It may not seem like it, but I am capable of joking you know."

"Look." He continued when I didn't sit back down. "The world... it's always going to be out to get you. Right when you think you have it all is usually the time when you have it all taken away. But it's too late to beat yourself up over it, you've got to keep moving forward."

"Why are you being so nice?" I blurted out, my curiosity getting the best of me.

He dropped my arm, shrugging. "Because you could use a little kindness. Things are only going to get worse from here. This world, this perfect little world that you're mommy and daddy have created for you, it's going to hell along with you sweetie. I guess I should stop calling you angel now, you're almost as bad as I am. Maybe that's why I like you so much."

Things are only going to get worse from here. His words rang over and over again in my ears, as if they were etching themselves into my brain. I had thought last night was as terrible as it could get, but that had only been the tip of the iceberg. Right now my life was the Titanic, slowly sinking, with absolutely nothing I could do but wait until I sank into the deep, dark depths.

So much for the sun, or for the stars. Where I was going, there was no light at all. Nothing but me, my mistakes, and the consequences of my actions.