The Makeover

13

"Ice cream is cheaper than therapy."

Unknown

13|Changes

I sat in my room, surrounded by turquoise-coloured pillows. The cookie dough ice cream that I kept stuffing in my mouth was starting to give me a brain freeze, but honestly I didn't care. I already felt numb.

Every few minutes a sniffle would escape my mouth, sounding unusually loud in the tortured silence, but I would cover it up by laughing, acting as if I had found a scene from 'Pretty Woman' absolutely hilarious, when in actual fact, I wasn't focusing on the movie at all.

I was completely consumed in all of my thoughts. All of the snacks and blankets in the world couldn't distract me. Not even the bag of skittles by my side.

My first train of thought focused on what I could actually remember. It was easier, because how could I consume my thoughts in something that I couldn't picture?

I could remember everything until a certain point. I remembered multi-coloured strobe lights and dancing bodies. I could still imagine the couches scattered around the dance floor. It was even harder to forget Creepy Jim and what Macy had said about him.

The night only blurred after I had my first drink at the bar. Who knew alcohol could make you forget permanently? I'd heard that it served as a numbing effect, but as a brain washer? No one had ever mentioned that.

The fact that I could remember everything before that first drink, had me wishing that I had drank before speaking to Jake. I could remember every detail. He had been dressed in a jeans and a t-shirt; a simple and casual outfit for a party. He had smelt like cinnamon; his signature scent.

I still didn't understand why he had done what he had. Jake might have been careless to some extent, but the few times we had been together - and I knew those were limited - seemed genuine. I couldn't shake that. I couldn't forget his smile and the way his eyes crinkled at the corners when he did. I could still remember his laugh and how I had thought that it had been music to my ears. I could still feel his touch and the way butterflies had flown around in my stomach.

But most importantly, I remembered the heart crushing feeling when he told me that all of it was never real; that I never meant anything special; that it had all been a joke. I could remember him sneering my name and walking away, leaving me utterly hurt and confused. It was burnt into my memory.

I felt hurt, because I thought we had actually been friends, at the least. The sinking feeling of hope being lost had almost consumed me. My emotions had eventually led me to drink; to yearn for the promised numbing feeling that it was said to bring.

I had thrown away my promise to myself all to forget. To forget the disappointment. How he did it, I would never know. All I knew was that he had an effect on me, but that was all.

I still thought that maybe I was just intrigued by his beauty and confident personality, but to be intrigued meant that there was a way to control yourself and I already felt like I was losing that sense of control.

Other than that I felt confused, because I knew that he wasn't acting like his usual person. He wasn't cruel and I knew that he wasn't the monster he wanted me to see him as. Even though I ought to stay away from him, I still couldn't help but feel some sort of hope, a hope that really wanted Jake to have been drunk while saying those words, so that maybe - just maybe - he hadn't meant anything he had said.

I was also hoping that all of this was a twisted dream and that I would wake up, with my virginity still intact and Jake still as my friend or if I was really being honest, a bit more.