The Makeover

41

"We find love. We get up, then we fall down. We give up."
-Daniel Caesar, We find love

41 | Don't say it

This time when I woke up in the all-white hospital room, I wasn't surprised. I wasn't trying to figure out how I'd gotten there or squinting at the bright lights above me. I wasn't even anxious.

In fact, I didn't care.

What was the point of caring when everything had already fallen apart? When the all-white room only left me with a blank canvas to paint all of my anger onto? When the anxiety only ever brought back memories of when Jake had been here the last time I had been in this hospital, refusing to leave my side and making sure I was okay?

None of it mattered, because I didn't have Jake. Maybe I never had. But most importantly, I couldn't find myself in the empty spaces the past few days had left and if I didn't have myself, what was the point of anything?

My thoughts were all chopped up, not really coming together to form anything useful and as I simply stared at the ceiling, I forced everything I felt down until there was nothing left to feel hurt about - until every time I thought of Jake, only an empty feeling arose instead of pain.

There was a vase with flowers to my left and a small note slipped beneath it.

We went to get some food. If you wake up, we'll be back by 3. Love you.

-Josh

I looked to the clock on the wall. With every movement, it ticked closer to 2:45 - the sound deafening against the silence. I sighed and pulled the hospital blankets over my shoulders. They weren't as warm as I was hoping, so I reached for the extra blanket that Kayleigh must have left at the end of the bed for me.

My face was almost fully hidden when I heard a shuffling of feet at the door.

"Hey."

I didn't dare move. Instead, I closed my eyes and dug my fingernails into my palms. Controlling my breathing became nearly impossible as I tried not to cry. Why, now? Why did it have to come so soon?

"Katie, please-" He began but I couldn't help the sudden feeling of revulsion that rushed through me.

"Get out." I could hear the footsteps getting closer and when a hand placed itself on my shoulder - over the blanket - I shrunk back, away from touch. "Don't touch me. Get away. Get out." I could feel the empty feeling being overcome by something else and I hated that even after everything that had happened, the pressure of his hand on me still made me shiver. "I don't want to see you again."

There was finality in those words even though my voice broke at the end. The footsteps didn't move away. They moved closer and I could feel a weight pressing down on the side of my bed. A hand must have reached out and pulled the blanket down because there was a chilly feeling rushing over my arms. I kept my eyes shut.

"Katie..." he murmured again, softly. I bit the inside of my cheek. I would not cry. "Katie, please?" A hand was on my arm now, squeezing lightly.

I continued to breathe. Some breaths were deeper and more uneven than others, but I focused on those breaths instead of the feeling of isolation that seemed to be suffocating me.

The hand moved to my cheek and the fingers caressed the skin, sweeping the hair there behind my ear. "K-bear."

I couldn't control myself any longer. My breath caught and I couldn't focus on the rhythm of it anymore. I grabbed Jake's hand and removed it from my cheek. My body was in a sitting position before I knew it and in an instant, those sad hazel eyes were met by my angry brown ones.