The Makeover

44

They discharged me two days later.

Kayleigh helped pack my things while Josh spoke to the doctor about my management. My panic attacks were happening too often, and after examining me, the staff found my other injuries and suspected self-harm. Long story short, they referred me back to my therapist, and I would have to be in therapy for a while. Again.

We made our way out of the ward, passing by the familiar faces of staff who had looked after me for the past few days. In a way, I didn't want to go home. Home meant having to see Mom and going back to school and facing everybody. It meant that I couldn't avoid what was happening outside anymore, but then again, something was happening in this hospital that was already taking up a lot of space in my head.

I wish I could say I visited Jake before leaving, but I didn't. I couldn't bear to see him like that - no smile on his face, those hazel eyes hidden behind eyelids that had been closed for too long. His grandpa had called me every day since it happened. Every day the update was the same. "He's still sleeping. We have to wait a little longer." He made "a little longer" sound like an eternity.

I spent the rest of the day at home, my comforter wrapped around me like a cocoon. I tried to keep my thoughts at an arm's distance, mainly because I didn't know how to feel about them. I even tried watching 10 Things I hate about you, my classic comfort movie, but I lost focus less than 5 minutes in.

I was upset - so upset - that Nevada had kissed Jake and that he had kissed her back. Every time I closed my eyes, the nightmare of them together played out, torturous no matter how many times it replayed, and the worst part was that I couldn't be upset at him. Every time I tried to direct my anger away from the situation, I remembered that he was in the hospital, and maybe I blamed myself for that. Would things have been different if I had told him I loved him? The guilt I felt from that single question was suffocating.

I might never get to tell him the truth - if I wanted him to know the truth, that is.

But I wanted him to wake up. I needed him to wake up. I needed to hear his voice and his laugh, and maybe everything would be okay if-

I stopped myself, and the cycle of thinking about him and then changing the topic repeated. I wouldn't let myself think about him too much all at once. It was too overwhelming.

But not thinking about him meant thinking of something else, or someone else: Annastacia, who had built me up and made me something so that she could tear me down to the lowest point of my life. It made my blood boil just thinking about how she controlled me like a puppet on strings, and I let her. Even though everything that had happened this year had been her fault, I still blamed myself for being so stupid and gullible to think she wanted to be my friend in the first place.

But how could I put myself on the chopping block when I wasn't even her first victim? Alex, Macy, Brittney, hell, even Nevada - they all fell for the same thing.

Alex had told me something about her - something personal - the night of prom. I wish he hadn't because it made me feel bad for her. That feeling alone was difficult to come to terms with. It felt unfair. I wanted to hate her. I wanted to be upset. I didn't want to see things from her perspective. The past few months, every little thing was always about her. For once, I want to put what I felt first. I deserved that. We all deserve that.

I hope Jake is okay.

The cycle was repeating itself, but before I could sink back into the whirlpool that was Jake, I was interrupted by a notification that resonated through the room. I hesitantly clicked on it. It was a post on the school's Facebook page. Flashbacks of the "dirt" Annastacia had on me made me hope she wouldn't stoop so low and post that picture that I had begged her to keep a secret.