Imagine... The Beatles (Book Two)

Lets Talk

As many of you may know, I struggle with severe depression and anxiety. Some of you know about the topic "depression" but, I feel it's most appropriate I explain it to some extent.

It's like climbing a rope with many painful things scattered throughout it. You just keep going, crying and breaking down along the way, nothing major. Then you reach the top, and you get the worst hurt in your life. So you let go. And you fall slowly to the bottom, watching everything just vanish and disappear. Your health, your friends, your happiness, your will to even live.

When you hit the bottom, you hurt even more. So, you just breakdown and curse yourself. Oh, but then you feel like you can try again. And this happens over and over again till you decide to get up and walk away.

It took me a year, a year of begging, a year of apologies, a year of heartbreaks and verbal beatings to realize the only person I loved and cared for; the only person who made me feel a shred of happiness, was a complete asshole. He treated me lesser than shit. He hurt me so much I no longer wanted to live. I gave him my heart, and he chewed it up and spit it out and walked away.

And I kept climbing that same rope, till one day I had enough. I wiped my tears, I stood up, and I walked away. I left him. And I don't regret it at all.

And it takes courage to get up and walk away. It takes your whole being to decide enough is enough.

And most my male friends only find sex appeal, or find sexual attraction. And it hurts. They call you pretty, beautiful, they make you feel good about yourself. Then you do something wrong and make them mad and you just plummet.

I've had this happen so many times, I now only see a body. A body boys just want to fuck, a body boys just want to have. They don't see me, a person. They don't see Chandler Nicole Peters. They see a girl they'd love to touch.

And then you start seeing it. You don't see yourself, you see only a body. A body. Not somebody. Just body.

And I hurt. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I want to go to the hospital, I want everything to just stop. I want to stop. I want to stop...

Nothing makes me happy. Nothing seems to get better. Nothing seems bright.

This has been Chandler. Signing off.