Being An American YouTuber//Sam Pottorff

♡Epilouge♡

~~Sam's POV~~

I walked my way through the cold and empty cemetary. There were tombstones for miles, but I only had my eyes set on a certain one. Hers. I kept walking looking at the miscellaneous names on the random tombstones until I finally found it. 

Several flowers were spread out on it and everywhere around it. Some dead, some alive. Kind of like my heart. Half of it's beating, half of it is not. Ever since she left, I haven't been myself. I've been drinking, I've been doing nothing with my life, and I've been temporarily kicked out of O2L. They told me they'd let me back in when I got my shit together. None have them have even been there for me through this after I got in to drinking, besides Jc. He's been there all this time. 

I know this isn't what Maisie wanted me to do, but I can't help it. The alcohol makes the pain go away for a little bit. The pain feels like thousands and thousands of needles stabbing me continuously, and I can't do anything to stop them.

It feels like I'm alone in this crazy fucked up world. Nobody is there, and I only have myself to fight these battles in life. 

I always feel so fucking empty. There's a hole in my heart, that only Maisie could feel, and that part of my heart? It left with her. When she left, she took it with her. And now I can never get it back.

 It's so depresing to lose her. Every single god damn day memories of us flood back in to my mind and they never go away, they fucking stay there and haunt me for hours and hours on end. It kills me. It rips me apart and in to multiple pieces, lying there on the ground just lonely and broken. 

It feels as if I'm dead but still alive. I'm still alive, but all of me is dead. My heart is dead. My mind is dead. The only part of me alive is my soul, and it's not long before that's dead too. Not long before everything in me is dead, but I'm still going to be breathing. 

I blame myself for it everyday. If she wouldn't have stormed out of the house mad at me for being the dumbass I was, she wouldn't have gotten in that god damn car. She wouldn't have sped down the roads the way she did. She wouldn't have ignored the traffic and the red lights. 

She wouldn't have been hit on by that fucking cargo truck. She wouldn't have ejected through the windsheild like that. She wouldn't have lyed there lifeless will glass going through her head like it was. She wouldn't have died right then and there, and like that. 

Still after all this time, I have not drove down that road or been anywhere near that road. I haven't been on Flower St. in a little over a year. Or anywhere near Flower St. either. I didn't have the courage to do so. 

I walked up to her grave and crouched down and ran my hand across the grave. This was a weekly rountine for me. I did it every single week and have been for the past year. A warm salty tear slipped out of my brown eyes as I saw her grave. I thought about it. Her body is 6 feet down in the ground lifeless, but her soul is thousands and thousands of feet, up there in heaven with all the angels up there. 

"Hey princess, here I am again. But you probably already knew that, because I come here every Sunday and tell you what's happened all week. Well, where do I start? Jc took me to out on Monday to try and get my mind off it again but I just ended up getting wasted. I think Jc is going to start giving up soon honestly. I mean all the other boys have. Kian gave up on me way before you left, but I think all the boys have given up because they are ashamed to stick around me now. Even though Jc has never left, I think he's getting tired of all this trying he's been doing. But, on a better note, Jc told me on Tuesday that Kian and Andrea got engaged. Kian told me never to contact him anymore, so Jc had to tell me, and even though I'm not part of his life anymore, I'm happy for the guy. Trevor also had his 16th birthday on Friday. I wasn't invited, but I called Trevor to tell him happy birthday, and he told me how it went. Trevor still talks to me a bit, he doesn't hold the drinking and shit against me like the other three do. He told me as much as he wanted to invite me, he didn't because it'd start shit with the guys, and so instead we met up and celebrated his birthday. I stayed sober that night. Jc told me that Connor and Morgan called it quits on Wednesday, I feel bad for the guy, but life happens you know? Jc said that on Tuesday Ricky got a call saying he has gotten a role on Teen Wolf, and I couldn't be more proud of him. I would love to call and congratulate him, but he won't pick up. Kian got him against me. And for Jc himself, he is going to be traveling the world soon. The one thing he's always wanted to do. I might go with him too. My therapist said that it'd be good for me, and it could possibly get me off my drinking problem. So I don't know, I might go, but I'd miss you too much, and I'd have no way to tell you stuff every week. Maybe I can get a journal, write all the stuff I did in it, and then tell you when I come back. But I feel like you'd be mad if I left you. Well you probably are, but I've never asked you what you feel. How if you're mad or not. Or if you have forgiven me or not. Just Maisie, one thing I ask is that you give me a sign. Tell me if you forgive me, and tell me that you think I should go. Just give me a sign to show you hear me now." I said as the constant tears kept slipping out of my glossy eyes.

Suddenly the flag on her tombstone started rapidly moving. Waving rapidly. Is that the sign? Is she telling me yes? I couldn't really find an answer to my questions other than that, because as soon as that happened I shot out of the cemetary. I ran and ran and ran. 

I reached the car breathlessly. I proccessed what just happened, still scared shitless from it. But I know now. She forgives me. She had died mad at me, and now I am reassured that she has forgiven me. A genuine smile rose on my face for the first time in forever. I was reassured, and it sent me a chill of relief. 

I opened the door to the car and carelessly set my boney hands on the wheel. She listens every day, and she's forgiven, and I think the least I could do is what I know she wants me to. I need to get my shit together and fix my life around for her. It's all she wants from me, and that's all I need to do for her. 

I looked back one last time at the cemetary through the window and looked at her grave in the distance. 

"I'm going to turn it around for you princess, I love you to the moon and back."

My tears are uncontrollably falling right now. I'm sorry i did this to you aha :) But that's it, hope you enjoyed this and don't forget to listen to the Maiam Mixes. 

Thank you all so much, and again ilysm. :)