So Many Possibilities (Inazuma Eleven Characters X Reader)

I'm Sorry...

I'm sorry guys. I really am.

I'm sorry if I wasn't able to update the stories that I promised to. I'm sorry if I'm rarely online. I'm sorry if you think I'm ignoring you. I'm sorry for every single thing that I've done wrong. It's up to you if you  guys can forgive me or if you'll just ignore this part because it's not the update you were hoping for.

But please, hear me out.

Like I said before, school has been burying me under mountains of workloads and tons of projects. I rarely have time to focus on my stories on this account, but thankfully I'm able to spend some time with the story I'm working on my other account (CrestDelirium29). Still, I feel so bad for leaving you guys with empty promises. I really do feel bad about it.

I'm not even sure why I'm studying so hard, if I'm not even sure if I want to become a doctor anymore.

Last August 24, my grandfather who, at that time, had a really bad case of tuberculosis, couldn't be roused from his sleep. My aunts and uncles had a really hard time waking him up that morning, but luckily, he did at around noontime. 

I was in school at those moments, so all I could do was to pray that he'll be alright. That he'll get through it. 

When I got home at around 4:10, I saw how my grandfather struggled to breathe. He had an IV in the back of his hand. His breathing sounded painful and his body was so thin. Just seeing him like that was enough to make me cry. I just lost my grandmother the day before my 18th birthday... and I wasn't prepared to lose my grandfather as well. 

During my childhood, they were always there for me whenever my parents were out to work (which is very VERY often). They practically raised me and I am so very grateful for what they've done for me and my family. They were great examples and righteous people. They loved me so much, and they never EVER failed to show me how important I was to them. I was their eldest grandchild, so it was natural for them to see me as their favorite. They were so proud of the things I accomplished and the dreams I wanted to turn into reality. They were so supportive. While writing this, I couldn't help but cry.

I miss them so much. I really, REALLY do.

Seeing my grandfather in such a state scared me. I didn't want him to die. My father wasn't there, and so was my other uncle, so I kept telling my grandfather that he has to hold out longer and wait for them to come home. I didn't know if he heard me. His pained breathing was overpowering my quivering voice. 

After a few moments, we couldn't feel his already weak pulse. So I ran to my house, got my stethoscope, then hurried back to my grandfather who looked like he was in great pain. I tried to find his pulse, and I was panicking as I did so. When I finally found it, it was so soft, so weak and frail. Even so, I found his heartbeat so reassuring. It sounded like a soft lullaby, the one my grandmother used to hum to me whenever I spent the night with them as a kid. My tears stopped and I felt like a kid again, like I was back at their house, snuggled between the sheets with my head on my grandfather's chest and my grandmother humming me a sweet lullaby before we go to sleep. I thought I'd never feel that way again. I was so happy.

But then it stopped.

It was so painfully clear. Soft beating of his heart abruptly stopped and pulled me into the reality that I feared. 

I don't know if I can describe it that well, but I felt like my senses were missing. Even though my uncle and auntie were there with me, I couldn't feel their presence. My vision blurred and their cries turned into muffled sounds. I couldn't speak. I couldn't move. It was as if I was the one who died. 

It was traumatizing.

I don't remember much about what happened next and if I did, I know I couldn't share it here. The next thing I remember was pulling out my grandfather's IV, since I was the only one who could at that time. I remember feeling his still warm hands as I carefully removed the IV from the back of his hand. I did it gently, as if I might hurt him if I carelessly took it off. 

After that, it's been nothing but black outs and panic attacks for me. 

And now, I think I don't want to or rather, I can't become a doctor anymore. I don't want to experience that again.

I don't like the silence anymore. I'm afraid that if I call out, no one will be there, and I'll be all alone because everybody left.

That experience have seemed to mentally and emotionally scarred me. And try as I may, I can't get it off my head. The fear of silence, the fear of isolation, of abandonment are engraved in me. Up to the point where writing can't seem to help.

That's why, I'm apologizing in advance if I couldn't complete nor even continue my works here in this account. I'll be taking a break from fanfictions for a while and will only update "NUNNE" (from my other account) whenever I feel like I've been bottling out my ideas for too long.

I need some time to relax and try to get my bearings so I can't risk another panic attack. You see, whenever I get a panic attack, it physically, mentally and emotionally drains my body to the point where I can't function properly. I'll be panic-ridden for a couple of minutes, totally consumed by the irrational fears I have in my head. If you think that sounds easy, trust me it's not. 

Anyway, I really hope you'll be able to understand. I really hope I can come back soon.