for better or for worse

7

"So what were you going to do? Steal all of our money and give it to your drug friends? Leave me and our daughters with no money?" I was done crying. Now, came the mad part.

" I thought you were still asleep." That's all he had to say. Nothing else. I put my head down and sighed. I was fucking tired.

" Just get dressed. And to think I was actually thinking about letting the girls see you, before you go to rehab." I chucked at my stupidity. As soon as I would have let him in the house, he would have tried to open up our safe. He would have stole our families heirlooms and all our 'rainy day' money. It's over $100,000 In that safe. All of it gone.

Or he would have let those fucking crack heads into our homes where our daughters were. What if one of them had hurt them or all of us? I guess being a crack head made all rational thought leave your head.

" Baby, I owe Ray money. I had to find a way to pay him back. It was just going to be quick: In and Out."

" How much?", I said, " How much money do you owe him?" If giving that fucker money was what I needed to do to get him to leave Jacob alone, then I would give him money.

" It's just $5,000, baby. Not too much, see." How the hell did he rack up $5,000 in debt?

I walked over to him and cupped his face. " When I give him this money , are you done? Because I am so tired of this, Jacob. Aren't we worth it? Aren't we worth getting clean? Callie and Baja need you! I need you! I have needed you for the past 2 years, Jacob! I know it hurts, Jacob. You don't think I'm hurting too?! He was my son too , Jacob!  I loved him just as much as you did! Yes, there are days when I don't want to go on, and days where I just want to lay in bed and cry! But then I realize I have 2 daughters I have to live for. They are still here and need me. They need you too, Jacob. You gave up on them." By the time I was tears were streaming down my face and his.

" Chresanto, please, please, don't do this to me. I can't do this-"

" No Jacob, baby, you have to. I'm not saying it gets easier but this has gone on long enough. Just talk to me." I pulled us over to the bed and pulled him into my lap so that I was holding him.  For a few minutes, we both just sat there and cried.

" I need my baby, Chresanto. I can't go on without him. He looked just like them, Chresanto.Callie and Baja, he looked just like them! I should've shielded him, I should've put my body  in the way of his! I saw the truck coming but I couldn't  get to him fast enough. Everything happened to fast!   We were just trying to make it home to you! Why did God take him from us? Why, Chresanto?! I want my baby, back!" He beat his fists against my chest and tried to get off my lap but I held him down.

I looked into his eyes," I don't know why, Jacob. All I know is that CJ is gone. You don't think that if I could shoot up crack and forget about him, I would? Our girls need us. They need you. Please , get help Jacob. Come back to us. CJ is gone but our 2 little girls are still on this earth. We have to continue to live for them."

He didn't say anything for the next 30 minutes. We both wept and wept.

When we were done, we laid in the bed next to each other and looked into each other eyes.

" I want the pain to stop."

"Only you can do that , Jacob."

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Wooooh!! That was hard to write. Does any of this confuse anyone? Their son CJ ( Chresanto Jr) died in a car accident. Jacob started using after.