for better or for worse

12

I wanted to give Jacob a few days to get settled in before I went to see him.

Then a few days turned into a few weeks which turned into a few months.I just didn't want to see the with-drawl part of the process. Whenever Jacob was in any kind of pain, it's like I could feel it too.

The doctors at the rehab center said that he was in the process of getting sober. They were also providing him with the medicine he needs to help him get through the with-drawls.

His therapist said he had been asking about me. But I couldn't make myself go see him when he first got there. And plus Callie ended up getting strep throat and what usually happens when one twin gets something?

Yep, you guessed it. The other twin got it. So 2 kids with strep throat kept me and Elijah pretty busy.

But now, now I'm ready. And I hadn't brought the girls with me.

The way the rehab program was set up the patients could only get visitation on either Saturday or Sunday. I decided to take off work on Saturday so that we can spend the whole day together. Hopefully I came on one of his good days.

As I walked through the halls of the Rehab Center, to Jacobs room, the happiness that radiated from the walls was shocking to me. I thought there would be screaming, crazy patients, and such.

This was going to be good for him.

I finally reached Jacob room after going through a few more hallways.

ROOM 172

I paid extra so that Jacob  could have his own room. The counsellors here said that it would be better if he had a roommate he could talk to. But I knew my husband. He'd want his privacy.

Before I could put my hand up to knock on the door it swung open.

" Were you just gonna stand out there or come inside?" Jacob said.

'Wow, it's just like seeing him for the first time when we were 15 years old.' I thought to myself.

He was beautiful.

I mean he still was a little on the skinny side, but I could tell he was eating well. He was back to taking care of his hair and it looked like he had just recently oiled it.

I still couldn't get out of my head what Rayan had said though.

"Maybe, I loved him too. Maybe he loved me as well."

Pulling me out of my thoughts, Jacob said from within the room," Chresanto, come sit down." He patted the seat on the bed next to him.

I walked inside his room and saw that he hadn't put his own little touch on it. Maybe I should bring him some things so he can spice it up.

I sat down in the chair by the window.

" I didn't know if maybe you were changing in here. I didn't want to walk in on you." I said with a slight chuckle.

" Chresanto you've seen me naked..... A lot." Jacob said with a straight face.

" Yeah, I know. But we haven't been... that way in awhile and I didn't know how you'd feel and I just didn't want to risk it, that's all." And it was true. A lot has happened in the past 2 years. I knew he still loves me but I didn't know if it was still in that way. After he got out of rehab and is better, he could very well divorce me. As long as he was clean and in our daughters lives, I could be content.

" Why haven't you visited? It's been 3 months, Chresanto? 3 MONTHS?! I've been going crazy in here. You said you'd be here with me every step of the way! I needed you here, Chresanto. You bailed!" Jacob said, exploding on me.

I just shook my head. I couldn't focus. I all ever did is love and provide from him. I couldn't bring our son back to life, but I also knew the world is going to keep going on.

I was a good man. I didn't deserve this. I didn't deserve to have to bury my first-born child so early in his life. I didn't deserve to have a coke-addict of a husband who's fucked probably half the city.

What did I do to deserve all this?

" Fuck you, Jacob. Fuck you! I couldn't come visit because Callie and Baja came down with strep throat. Yeah your two daughters. Remember them? God,you know what you weren't grieving, you were being selfish. You know what their starting to do? They're starting to call the nanny their second daddy. Is that what you wanted? I'm so fucking tired, Jake. For the past 2 years, I've been chasing after you, raising the girls, and trying to run a company all on my own, it feels like. So don't sit here and tell me I bailed on you. You bailed on me, and our daughters. And don't lie to me I know you fell in love with that Rayan guy. He told me. How the hell did you find time to fall in love with someone? I'm missing work and time I could be with our daughters to chase after you and you love some other guy. No, you don't have the right to question me. Not anymore." By the time I was down, it was another crying fest between us.

Jacob moved from the bed to the chair to sit on my lap. He he put his head in the crook of my neck and kept whispering 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry' over and over again.

Sorry wasn't enough anymore.