𝕥𝕖 𝕒𝕞𝕠ღ // 𝕤𝕖𝕢𝕦𝕖𝕝 𝕥𝕠 𝔽𝕦𝕔𝕜 𝔹𝕦𝕕𝕕𝕚𝕖𝕤 (ON HOLD)

twenty-eight

two weeks after

nate hasn't been around, he hasn't called nor texted and its taken everything from me to not do it myself. i haven't really bothered to get out of bed either, basically just smoking until i sleep. I've been receiving texts from the boys, but i only checked to see if it was Nate, and if it wasnt then i normally didnt answer.

i pulled myself from the bed and walked lazily towards the bathroom, trying to avoid the sight that stared at me through the mirror. my hair was a mess, thrown into the sloppiest bun ever. my shirt was old and smelled like him, though i know he doesnt want me.

makeup? what makeup? i have cried my face a thousand rivers that washed away everything. with a sigh i knew i should get myself cleaned up. a shower was started, blessing my dirty body with hot water.

i scrubbed my hair, making sure it was clean, and spent a good ten minutes conditioning it. my mind was thinking about nate but i also knew i needed to get clean. i washed my body and face, and then sat under a stream of water until the water was turning cool.

at that it was definitely time to get out. a white towel held up my hair and a blue towel was around my body. what am i going to be doing today? will i need to actually wear clothes? maybe ill go junk food grocery shopping.

that sounded like fun.

in my dresser, i pulled out a gray and white Calvin Klein underwear set and slid them on, covering up most of my body. over that was a pair of dark Levi jeans and then a black and white Nike jacket. what was i going to do after that though. i wanted to get out of the house because maybe i can make myself feel better.

who knows what ill decide.

i just walked out of the house with my wallet and no sense of direction.

--

how did i end up in a tattoo parlor getting a tattoo on the side of my hip?

how did i end up being eye candy for every man in the tattoo parlor as i sat there numbly on my side without my pants?

i don't know, maybe it was because Nate texted me after two fucking weeks just to say the papers are in my mailbox. maybe it might've been the pain of losing him, or maybe i was just crazy.

"and we are all done." the girl said, looking down on the fresh black tattoo. she put a few tight layers of plastic wrap around my thigh and the bit where it trailed up and met my abdomen. i looked down at the thing and smiled.

we both walked to the counter where i paid and she gave me a small bottle of lotion to help with the healing process. and then it was me, myself and i again.

at home, i decided to text the people back. gilinsky, john, other sam, and shit, even Sammy. when i replied, they all were texting immediately like i was dead and now I'm alive. oh wait, thats how it was. 

i tossed the orange envelope with my divorce papers on the table and looked at them with a heavy heart. before i wanted to look at them, i did everything to delay myself into doing it. first it was making a sandwich, and it followed with eating that in the kitchen, away from the table.

i spent minutes washing the dishes, cleaning up my kitchen, then moved to my living room. my avoiding papers turned into turning my house around. it was spotless by the time i was done and the time was only eight thirty.

so i took two freshly packed blunts, also packed past their maximum carrying capacity. the folder now stared me straight in the eyes, a white label on the front saying my name in sloppy handwriting.

Alessandra Maloley... Alessandra Maloley... Alessandra Maloley...

it took a whole blunt to be able to get past the label.

the first thing was a note, at the bottom scribbled from Nate.

look, Al, i know you didnt mean any harm with your words, and i understand that. but I'm not going to be a man who is in a marriage without the intent to share our love and make a baby who is just like us. i love you, well, i think i do, but i don't think this will work. if you cant be the mother of my children, then I'm going to have to find someone who will.

           from Nate.

i nodded at the note, like it could know what i was doing. tears brimmed my eyes again but i just blinked them back, trying to keep my composure.

after reading the whole agreement, i was entitled to half of everything. nate already said he would either buy me a whole new house or i could keep the one we shared now. if i bought new, i could get everything i wanted with the new house. if i stayed here then i could only have the furniture. nothing else.

he was going to be providing me with a certain lump some of cash to help me out every month, which was very nice. and then some slightly less important things that were discussed also.

i called the lawyer while smoking the second blunt. we scheduled a meeting for this coming friday, aka three days from now. in that time, i was going to focus on finding me a whole new house.