A Little Unsteady (A Grey's Anatomy Story)

All I Could Think About Was You

"Arizona called to the house again" Meredith mumbled as she walked into my room

"So" I shrugged as I refocused my attention back on the TV

"Jamie it's been 5 weeks, you've barely left your room all month! This isn't healthy. Webber said he'd clear you to go back to work. You're already far behind the other second year residents that started this month" Meredith gave me another one of her lectures

"It's none of your business Meredith" I spat

"It's none of my business?" she asked incredulously "you made it my business when you decided to push Arizona away, when all she wanted to do was help you! You made it my business when you decided to move into my home and eat my food" she said dramatically as she threw a box of empty cereal into my trash can

"Fine" I replied sarcastically, not wanting to start another argument "I have to go get the rest of stuff from Arizona's anyway" I muttered as I dragged myself out of the bed

"So that's it?" she asked surprised "You really are just going to throw in the towel with Arizona. After everything?"

"I need Arizona to move on Meredith. I need her to forget about me so that I can move on knowing she has found someone good for her, someone who will treat her the way she deserves to be treated. Not someone who is going to try and take their own life at the first sign of trouble" I tried to explain

"Jamie your brother died in front of you and your Dad hasn't spoken to you in months, you deserved to be human, what you did was justifiable by your circumstances. I'm not saying you should have tried to kill yourself, you should have came and talked to us or drank with us. But, Arizona knew why you tried to do what you did and she was prepared to help you through every difficult moment but you just shut her out and automatically assumed she didn't want you anymore. You know she's called here everyday after work for the last 5 weeks just to see if you were ok" Meredith retaliated

"That's the problem Mer. She's amazing, she's perfect and she's loyal. I'm none of those things! I can't face going back to work because she's there. I don't want to leave the house just in case I bump into her. She's working the night shift tonight so I'm just going over there to get the last of my stuff and then I'm going to look for an apartment so I won't be a burden to you anymore" I hung my head as I brushed past Meredith and left the room

"Jamie you are not a burden" Meredith sighed as she followed after me "You can stay here as long as you want. But I just want to see you happy again. And the only things that made you smile were Arizona and your job" She sympathized

I walked down the stairs to the front door and opened it. Just as I as about to leave I turned back to face Meredith.

"I'll see you later" I gave a forced smile

***

I arrived at Arizona's house and placed the spare key ,that I still kept, into the lock to realize the door was already unlocked. 'Shit' I cursed under my breath. Hoping it was only DeLuca who moved back in after I left. I walked into the hall and made my way to Arizona's bedroom where I left some of my clothes. I opened the door quietly and began packing the clothes into my backpack and placing it on my back. I exited the room to be met by a familiar figure standing at the door of the kitchen.

"Hi" she almost whispered as the sight of me got the better of her

"Oh, uh hi Arizona. I was just, uhm, I was just grabbing the last of my stuff. Sorry I thought you were working tonight" I mumbled as I began to back away

"Karev took the night shift." She tried to spark some small talk "Would you like something to drink? I was just about to cook some dinner" she smiled with a hint of sadness at how distant we have become

"I've already eaten" I replied bluntly as I continued to back away towards the front door

"Jamie, please" she begged

"I can't do this Arizona. Not right now" I shook my head as I placed my hand on the handle of the door

Arizona began to walk towards me

"Jamie please just hear me out that's all I ask" She pleaded

"Arizona, I have nothing to say to you and I don't want to hear what you have to say" I said harshly

"You hurt me Jamie and I am angry because I thought that we had something, I thought we were going somewhere" Arizona began despite my bluntness

"I hurt you?" I said incredulously as I rolled up my sleeves to reveal my scars across my wrists and held them up to Arizona. She winced as she saw them.

"You were hurt? Did I hurt your little feelings by letting you go? By giving you a reason to escape my mess?" I began to raise my voice

"Jamie, I" she began but I cut her off before she could continue

"You did this to me" I screamed as I held my wrists closer to her "You hurt me Arizona! You made me want to end my life because ever since the day I met you I always knew I wasn't good enough! I murdered my brother" I roared "I did that! And I ran off and I fucking slept with another man and took cocaine" I yelled as I watched her face drop with every word that came out of my mouth

"And all I could think about was YOU ! That you would never look at me the same again, you'd never love me again" I screamed, finally losing it "I couldn't imagine a life without you Arizona. When I thought about you leaving me I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I couldn't breathe without you!" I began to feel tears well up in my eyes

"Jamie" Arizona started but found herself speechless, she had no idea how to reply to what I had just told her and I could see the tears begin to stream down her face

There's nothing that hurt me more than seeing her cry. It killed me to see her sunshine darken. I closed the space between us and placed my palm on her cheek as I wiped her tears with my thumb. She placed her hand over mine and refused to let me go as she closed her eyes.

"I can't do this anymore Arizona. I can't keep hurting you like this." I whispered softly as she opened her eyes to look at me, my hand still on her soft skin feeling the heat radiate from her cheeks

"Jamie I want to make this better, I want to take your pain away" She whispered in reply as she stared intently into my eyes

"You deserve better than this Arizona" I said softly as I removed my hand from hers and turned my back on her, leaving the house without looking back.