Find Her, Keep Her (CFTM Sequel)

Chapter 21 (Part 2)

(Note: Click the Youtube video above to listen to the audiobook version of this chapter read by kaelking12! Featuring music by Sara Bareilles.)

Alex

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UCLA Creative Writing 191 Discussion Forum

Post title: "Letters to Jersey Chapters 1-3"

Posted today at 2:44 PM

Posted by A. Summers

Body:

I wish I knew what to say about this book.

I wish I could sit down and write the kinds of responses I've seen hovering on the page above me.

But they're beyond me.

They're inspirational. Intellectual. Inspired.

But, every time my fingers find their way to the keyboard--my inspiration stops.

I stop.

I pause because I'm pulled right back into the place I was in when I first read these letters.

Lost.

Overwhelmed.

Confused.

Conflicted.

Hurt.

Hurt because this book didn't just make me relive the way I've loved, it made me relive my brokenness.

Without warning.

Without ceasing.

Pain poured out of the pages and bled through the ink 'till I felt like the paper was no different than my own skin.

Damaged. Broken. Bruised.

And each stanza made it worse.

Each phrase hit me so suddenly--so forcefully that at many points I found myself wanting to put it down.

Needing to leave.

Wishing I could busy myself with other things or people just to keep from having to feel the way I did after reading this book.

It's only three chapters.

I thought I could walk away from three chapters. Leave them unread, untouched, undiscovered.

I even went as far as trying to figure out how to make up a forum response based on other people's posts instead of genuinely reading and responding the way Professor Hayes asked me to.

I thought I could lie my way out of reading the truth.

All I had to do was slide my fingers across a slate of glass and make it all disappear.

But I didn't.

I fell into into the first few pages, and, a Bible verse later, I couldn't put it down.

Even though I wanted to.

Even though I had a million and one reasons to leave it unread--

--I kept reading.

I read until the words slowly started to reflect more of myself than I ever could've expected them to.

I read until I found my flaws in someone else's prose.

Each letter reflected so many of my own shortcomings. My own losses. My insecurities and preconceived notions of what it is for a boy to fall in love.

Because somewhere along the way, I stopped believing they could.

I stumbled out of a terror of a relationship only to free fall into another, thinking it would be better.

Hoping that it would save me.

Until it didn't.

And, for a while, like the author, I couldn't really find my feet after that relationship ended--after that person was gone.

I came up with excuse after excuse for why things ended. Why we fell apart.

So many why's.

Which lead nowhere.

But I kept going in circles, I spent time, and energy, and tears drawing out something that was slowly turning into nothing.

And once I stopped crying.

I started feeling like I was nothing.

Because everything I thought I'd had with this boy amounted to nothing.

But these pages proved the opposite.

They're written evidence that whenever two people fall in and out of each other's spheres, both parties fall apart.

Even boys who seem like they're unbreakable.

These letters are a collection of a person's jagged pieces.

Slivers of moments girls lie awake wishing they could see.

Silent confessions we assume the boys who leave us never say.

But they're right here.

Permanently tattooed on a page.

And every single chapter so far has been,

Real.

Raw.

And unapologetically beautiful.

But, even so, the letters remain unanswered.

So, on that note, I guess Nobody knows if and when these words will reach the person they're meant for.

But, wherever and whoever his "Jersey" is...

...I know she's listening.

-A. Summers

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(Thank you guys so much for reading/listening! Who listened to the audiobook? If so, how'd you like it & how long have you been listening? Kristen and I wanted to send a huge thank you to everyone who listens because we puts a lot of work into these so we appreciate you listening! Next update will probably be either next weekend or next Tuesday because kaelking12 have two trailers to edit by Thursday so it'll be a busy week. I'll keep you posted!)

PS: I wanted to thank every single person who voted for CFTM in the @thefictionawards! If you voted message me or at mention me here so I can thank you!