Find Her, Keep Her (CFTM Sequel)

Day Dreaming (Reflection 4)

*Note: Click the Youtube link above to listen to the Audiobook Version of this chapter voiced by kaelking12 (Kristen M.) featuring music by Conor Maynard (Drake Cover).

Elias

I remember the first time

My mom called my dad

A monster.

That night, I didn't want to understand her.

I didn't want to know.

I didn't want to see.

Just how bad our family could become.

Just how bad my mom would succumb

To sadness.

'Cause how could the man

Who held our happiness in his hands

Just let it slip through his fingers

Like air.

It was nothing to him because he never even cared

To try.

But How could he let so much time pass

Before he realized that

His love was nothing but a bold-faced lie.

My father was the kind of guy who'd only ever try for what he cared for.

It wasn't me.

Or my brother.

Or my mom--though he'd swear he loved her.

He didn't.

Because he only loved himself.

And, I know that's true because he told me some version of that when I was twelve.

It went something along the lines of,

"If I can teach you anything, Elias, always take care of yourself, first."

And that was one of the worst things he ever taught me.

My father was also the kind of guy

Who lashed out of nowhere

On the fly

Blood close to boiling

Anger directed at my

Mom

My brother

But, mainly me.

And only now am I starting to see

The kind of man he was.

The kind who did what he had to do

Just to bring his marriage to

Its knees.

"Because real men do what they please," he'd say,

And please who they want

As long as they don't get caught

Right?

I remember the first night

I saw my mom in pain.

Because he promised he wouldn't hurt her again.

But he did it again.

And again.

Because that's the kind of man he was back then.

And bitterness made him the man he still is.

But lately, my actions look too much like his.

So much like his.

I can't even tell the difference.

And, lately, I'm starting to hate me, the exact same way.

My mom hated dad day to day

'Cause everything I do and everything I say only pushes my girl further away

From me.

Even when I beg her to stay

With me.

She turns a blind eye

'Cause now her heart belongs to some other guy.

Not me.

So I'll bury my truth underneath another lie.

Because I can.

Because I still don't understand what it actually means to be a man.

I'm the kind of guy who sells selfishness as loving

One who's learned next to nothing

About growing up to be

Better than the reflection I see

Now, I realize the person who's staring back at me

Is my father.

And, maybe,

I'm the same monster

That he is.

'Cause he's in my blood as deep as she is.

And, sometimes, he takes the reigns.

Sometimes, his resentment bleeds through my veins and spills out of me

He

Contradicts

And conflicts

Every damn letter I wrote to Jersey

Because a heart stuck between the dark and the light

Will always lose the fight

When it comes to doing what's right

For the girl that tore me apart last night.

And, I'm sitting here

Pretending everything's alright.

After cutting her to pieces through that last phone call

After opening my mouth and poisoning all

The good I could have left with my words

When the only thing I should have done was put her first.

And, now, all I'm left with is silence.

These blackout moments and unspoken violence

And Indigo hasn't said a word since

'Cause I made the mistake of pulling her in.

But her hands are so warm against my skin.

And I hate myself for trying to flaunt

The touch of a girl I know I don't want.

But I need distance.

Indifference.

A face I can use to forget

That part of me that can't stop loving Jersey yet.

***

(Thank you guys so much for reading! @kaelking12 and I had a great time co-writing this chapter and recording the audiobook! Thank you for being patient with us with the update delay. A full chapter's coming up next where all the drama between Alex & Elias will play out. Who's excited?

PS: Who listened to the audiobook?)