Without a Clue {Diall}

Chapter Thirty: The Openhearted Boy

chapter 30 word count: 12,009 words (sorry !! also means i didn't proofread b/c who would have time to re-read this monster of a chapter after already reading it 1437852963578 times )

(a/n: trigger warnings for this chapter- mentions of: suicide, self-harm, mental illness, past sexual abuse, past domestic violence

please do not read or read with caution if anything in this chapter will affect you negatively)

Living in London is definitely a very new thing for me. Everything is all quite different, but in the smallest of ways. Not only am I living in a country with a bit of a different culture than my own, I'm also living full-time with Niall, and full-time with a toddler. Life is very, very different when you share it so intimately with another person. For example, I never realized before how much time Niall actually dedicates to his job. Even though my career is intensely similar to his, the magnitude to which his music is presented is far greater than mine. He has to market to the entire world. I usually just market towards the Americas. Niall's also following the release of an album, so he's quite busy with the promo of that as well.

My label hasn't really figured out what to do with me. They're an American label, so having me live full time in London isn't really realistic for staying with them, but I know they really don't want to drop me. As much as I'd hate to admit it, I've gotten quite the publicity boost from this entire situation. My label knows it too, and they're hesitant to drop a gold mine like that. I know they're taking advantage of me, but I don't particularly mind. I get to stay here with my family, and that's all I really care about.

I'm on a bit of a break right now. While my label figures out what to do or not do with me, I'm just to be working on my next album, and it's also been silently expected of me to keep the hype around Grayson alive. Honestly, I'm going against their wishes on that one. Niall and I are doing our absolute best to get the excitement around our child to die out completely. Having so many people willing to go to extreme lengths to get so much as one picture or one piece of information about him is significantly dangerous for him. We can't even take commercial flights anymore while G is with us; it's gotten to that point.

Because I'm on a break, though, that means I get to stay home with G while Niall leaves for work. Niall still can't drive, and won't be able to until his moveable brace comes off at the end of the month, so I do drive him and pick him up sometimes as well, depending on what the commitment is. Otherwise, my days are quite simple, spending time with G, writing, and doing little interviews here or there. It's absolutely perfect.

I still haven't gotten used to living with Niall, though, and I don't think I ever will, in the best meaning possible. It's just weird to always have someone there for you, who wants the best for you no matter what, and who loves you unconditionally. I'll never get used to waking up to Niall and G's silent giggles in the morning, to their cute play fights, or even the same face they make when they've got brain freeze. It's the little things that mean so much to me, that I'll never be able to get used to because I appreciate them more than words could ever describe.

The only issue with the arrangement is that I see exactly how much work Niall does. I notice when he gets up insanely early and tries his best to be quiet but wakes me up anyways. I notice how he comes back decently late sometimes, more often than not after Grayson's already gone to bed. I know that hurts Niall the most. While he is quite used to having me look after G whenever he's not there, he's also very used to Grayson being with him at all times, through every work commitment. I don't know why, but it definitely seems to flare up his PTSD when he's away from Grayson for extended periods of time.