new beginnings // michael clifford

Chapter 20: Searching for Answers

Michael's POV

"What was that?"

"I need a minute Jordan, ok?" I walked passed Jordan and her friends and went to the bathroom. It was empty and I leaned into one of the mirrors with my hands on the sink, staring at my face. I still looked like myself but I felt like I did after I lost Tabitha. Empty and lost. I was just beginning to feel like the old me and I couldn't let her in. Why couldn't I let her all the way in?

I turned on the faucet and splashed water on my face. I thought it was going to make me feel better, but I knew the only thing that would make me feel better was Summer.

"Michael?" Jordan called as she pounded on the bathroom door. "I'm coming in," she opened the door.

I didn't move from the sink and I saw her come up behind me. "I know you liked her, Mike." She wrapped her arms around my waist and pressed her lips to my cheek.

"You don't know anything about how I feel about anything. You just had to tell her, didn't you? You just had to ruin it? I can't do this with you anymore." I moved out of her embrace and ran a hand through my hair. "I've know you forever Jordan but ever since Tabitha died you're not the same and I didn't care because I was different too. I was empty and I just needed someone to help me feel something, anything and you were there because you understood and knew what happened but I don't want to feel empty anymore. I can't do it now that I know I can feel something real. I don't know that Summer will take me back and I'm not sure that I'm going to try to win her back, but I could have something real again. But what we have isn't real. It's over Jordan, for good." She had tears in her eyes and was hugging her shaking body. I wiped her tears and gave her one last kiss before leaving the bathroom. I expected her to call after me or fight me if something but she just let me go.

I went out into the hallway and I noticed Summer and Calum talking. I ducked behind the lockers and listened to their conversation.

"No. Luke's. I like his parties and I know Michael won't be there," Summer was saying. Why didn't she think I would be at Luke's? I shook my head in confusion.

"Fine," Calum agreed and I watched then walk out of the school. I wanted to go to Luke's but I knew I shouldn't. I waited a few moments before leaving and just walking aimlessly, going to wherever my feet took me.

I ended up at the cemetery in front of Tabitha's grave. Her headstone wasn't anything extravagant, just had her name,the years she lived, and daughter. She was more than that though, all of these people were than what was written where they were buried. It was depressing to be summed up into that. I tried to think about her; tried to hear her voice, hear her laugh, remember her scent, but all of my memories were faded. I rubbed my eyes and tried to think harder. A memory popped into my head.

"What do you wanna do today, Mikey?" Tabitha sat down on the couch in my living room and I joined her, keeping some space between us. I liked her but we were only friends, had been since she came to the neighborhood as a little girl.

"Movie?" I suggested. "We could invite Jordan?" Not that I wanted to, but she felt left out sometimes.

"Jordan's fine and a movie sounds great." After I put in the DVD, I sat back on the couch with the same distance between us. "Why are you so far away? Do I have a disease or something?" I shook my head. She scooted closer and my heart started to race.

"What are you doing, Tabs?"

"Just cuddling. It's a movie. We need to be comfortable."

"Ok," I replied and relaxed a bit. Partway through the movie I couldn't take it anymore. I had to tell her how I felt. I'd liked her for so long, probably since I first laid eyes on her. "Tabitha?"