new beginnings // michael clifford

Chapter 33: Find Yourself

Summer's POV

Later that night, Michael and I were out to dinner by ourselves and I still couldn't believe what had happened earlier. I never considered singing as something that I wanted to do. I loved music and playing my violin was something that I loved, but as I was singing in that room I felt something I never felt before. There was no way I could actually take that guy up on his offer though. It was ridiculous to think that I would become a singer. It was amazing to imagine though.

Michael seemed off while we were eating and I didn't know what was bothering him. I snapped my fingers in front of his face so he would look up. "What's up with you?"

Michael lifted his head, not fazed by my snapping. He looked me in the eyes and I had to look away from his intense stare. It was too much for me right now. It felt like he was trying to see inside of me, like he wanted to know my deepest thoughts. "Summer, look at me," and I looked back to him. "Why did you come here?"

I was afraid this was going to come, but I was desperately hoping it wouldn't. It had been going so well, him leaving it alone. I could tell he noticed that something was different, but I was thankful that he acted like I was the same. I sighed and thought of where to start. "I needed you," I answered simply because it was the truth. I did need him, but that wasn't the whole truth. I had also flunked out and I had also lost who I was. I wasn't so sure I wasn't ready for him to hear that part. Why had it been so easy to tell Calum these things, but not Michael?

He reached his hand across the table and held onto mine. I loved how our hands fit perfectly together. "Baby, you know I'm always here for you. I know that I messed up becuase we were so busy, but you could've tried to get ahold of me if you needed something. What about school? Or your dad? Does he even know you're here?"

I swallowed a lump in my throat. "I was failing so I dropped out. And my dad didn't know I left but I talked to Adam on the phone earlier, so they know I'm ok." My answers were short and to the point, not giving much detail.

He let go of my hand and I lurched forward trying to grasp back onto it, but he was running his hands through his hair. "God, where did I go wrong? What could I have done different?" He was scaring me. His voice cracked a little and his leg was bouncing up and down.

"What are you talking about Michael?"

"I'm no good for you. I should've known it from the start, Summer. I've ruined you. Can't you see it? You never would've failed out of school if it wasn't for me. You would never be this lost if it wasn't for me. You would never be this sad. It's all my fault Summer!" Now he was scaring me a lot. His voice had risen a little and I was beginning to cry.

"Michael, you're wrong. You're the only thing that makes me happy! I can't live without you. That's why I was so happy when we got back together. That's why I was so sad when you left and stopped trying in school."

"Then why aren't you happy now?" he countered.

"What do you mean?" I asked softly. "Of course I'm happy," I lied. I was only partly happy. I was still lost.

"No you aren't. I can tell when you're lying, Summer. When you smile, you still seem sad. Your smile never reaches your eyes. I love you Summer, but I think I've hurt you too much and you need to find yourself. Maybe we aren't meant to be after all."

"Don't say that. Please don't say that," I sobbed. "If you leave me again, I'll be even more lost. I just need you with me while I find myself again."

"Do you want to find yourself?" it was a question I wasn't expecting and it caught me off guard. I had never thought about it because I hadn't been myself for so long. Ever since I moved I had wanted to become someone else and start over, which caused me to lose who I really was. I had thought I was finding my true self, but I was really losing myself.

I nodded, not trusting my voice. I did want to find myself again. I wanted back the Summer that was excited about learning something new. The Summer that loved playing the violin. The Summer that cared about what people thought. The Summer that was happy.

"Then I'll be there every step of the way. I won't ever leave you." His words touched me and I suddenly felt as though I needed his arms around me. As if he read my mind, he came around the table and pulled me up into his arms. He had to support me because my legs were weak. We stood there for a long time and I'm sure that people were staring, but I didn't care. I was on my way to actual happiness and I couldn't wait to get there.

Ugh can I just have my own michael clifford? ): xx zoe