Homestuck One-shots

Fear of Remembering (davekat) (sadstuck)

(Warning, this story is a sad one and contains several things that could be triggering including, what could be considered suicide and self-harm, depression, PTSD, and multiple character deaths. If this could cause problems then please, don't read. You have been warned.)

Karkat's P.O.V

It was just another day after that cursed game. I woke up and checked my pesterchum for a certain human. All of us trolls had switched from trollian to pesterchum after coming here to make it easier for the humans. He wasn't on. Of course, he wasn't. He never seemed to be on anymore. I decided to pester him anyways. "DAVE, I KNOW YOU PROBABLY WON'T READ THIS BUT I'M COMING OVER. NOBODYS SEEN YOU IN FOREVER AND WE'RE ALL WORRIED ABOUT YOU. SEE YOU SOON." I closed the chat and logged off. That idot never responded to anyone anymore. It was worrying. Especially when you considered how I felt about him. I was flushed for the guy but I was always too scared to admit and now he wouldn't talk to me. I shook my head to clear my thoughts and started to get ready. Soon, I was heading out of the house to head over to Dave's.

Dave's P.O.V

I sat at the window like I did every second of every day. Never sleeping. No. Too many dead Daves. Too many haunting memories. I ate, though, not often, and drank apple juice. It didn't taste the same anymore. Nothing did. I sat staring into the distance. I hadn't talked to anyone in weeks. I couldn't. I couldn't bear to talk to them. I couldn't bear to see them sad like I know they would be if they saw me like this. Especially Karkat. He had been through so much even before the game... I liked him. No, I love him but he deserved someone better than me. Someone who would have been able to handle the looping of timelines. Someone who could handle seeing their friends and themselves die over and over. Someone who could handle being the Knight of Time. I sighed. It didn't matter anyways. It wasn't like there was any hope of him liking me. It hurt to stay awake. To keep my eyes open. I couldn't let them close, though. I wouldn't be able to last past another night in those dream bubbles with dead friends everywhere. Ones you saw die. Versions of myself I had seen die. A heck of a lot of relationships too. Ghosts who had been dating before death getting back together and being happy. It all hurt too much. I was sick. I knew it. I still didn't rest. I was weak. I didn't know how much longer I would last. Didn't matter, though. If the timeline where he died was the alpha timeline then there was nothing he could do about it and if it wasn't then he would die anyways. It didn't fucking matter. Nothing was as special after you go through that many timelines in such a short amount of time.

Karkat's P.O.V

I walked up to the entrance to Dave's hive. I knocked on the door but got no response. I knocked again, impatient, and rung the doorbell. Still no answer. I turned the doorknob and found it was unlocked. He really left it unlocked? Sure, it was peaceful here but that was still dangerous. I opened it and walked in. I closed the door behind me and looked around. The place was surprisingly clean. Almost as if it hadn't been touched since Dave got here. In fact, the only thing strange was the layer of dust covering almost everything. So at least I knew he still was lazy enough to not give a shit about cleaning. I smiled at the thought of how he used to be. I frowned, remembering that he hadn't been that way for a while. That we knew of. I slowly walked around, looking for Dave. Eventually I came to a mostly empty room with nothing but a chair and a window. Sitting in the chair was Dave. He sat there staring out the window. I don't think he had heard me enter his hive or this room. He looked pale and his expression had sunken. Even his glasses couldn't hide the bags under his eyes. It looked like he hadn't slept in weeks! I rushed over and crouched in front of him. He looked at me and spoke in the quietest voice I had ever heard. "Karkles? What are you doing here?" I could tell Dave was shocked and surprised to see me here but his expression didn't change. I didn't know if it could anymore. I spoke quieter than I ever had before. "Because I care about you. We all do. Why are you doing this to yourself?" "Because I can't handle the pain anymore. You don't deserve a knight who can't defend himself." I was shocked for two reasons. One, the Dave I knew would have smirked and said something to piss me off on purpose instead of that sappy shit. Two, he couldn't take the pain? Pain of what? The game was over. There was nothing hunting us down anymore. What could possibly be causing him pain? "What do you mean, Dave? I can't help if I don't understand." I said, keeping my voice down. "The looping. The dead Dave's. The lives I've witnessed being taken away. The amount of times I've watched myself die for no other reason than it being a doomed timeline. Did you think that wasn't going to scar me? Did you really think that even the toughest cool kid around could take that?" I mentally slapped myself. How could I have been so stupid?! Of course that had scared him! Who knew how many times he had been a bystander to his own death! "Dave, we understand and we want to help. I want to help." I saw the glimmer of a smile on Dave's face but it quickly disappeared. "There isn't much to be done. Just leave me alone. I don't want you sad as well." I had tears in my eyes and was shaking. "No, Dave, everything is going to be fine. Everything will work out. I know it will!" I shot to my feet and grabbed Dave's hand. "Please... Don't go. Don't leave me alone again..." Dave smiled as I felt his pulse slow through his hand. "Sorry Karkles. No can do. See you on the other side." Even with his glasses, I could see his eyes close as his breathing stopped. He couldn't be dead! He was a god tier! Unless... Was this considered just because he believed himself to be bad? That couldn't be. But it was the only explanation. Silent tears streamed down my face. I never got the chance to tell him how I felt. I never got to tell him I was flushed for him. I feel to my knees in front of his still body. Why couldn't we have been happy. Why couldn't the torment end?! I pulled out my phone and sent one simple message to Kanaya, not even bothering to use my quirk. "Kanaya... Come to Dave's... Bring everyone with..." "Is Something Wrong? You Aren't Using Your Quirk. Is Dave Ok?" I didn't respond. I couldn't gather the energy to do so. "We'll Be Right Over." Was the last message I got before passing out on the ground from the tears and sadness that exhausted my body. I awoke back at home in my recuperacoon. How had I gotten there? What had happened? Then it all came back to me. Dave was dead. Silent tear began down my face again. I barely managed to pull myself to my computer after it dinged. "Are You Awake Karkat? I Know How You Felt About Dave And I Wish To Help You Through This. Please, Do Not Do Anything That Dave Wouldn't Like." Kanaya. She always was like a mother to me. At least once the humans told me what that was the description seemed to fit her. Humans. Dave. Everything I thought about lead back to him. "I'm awake." I didn't feel like using my quirk. I didn't feel like shouting. I didn't feel like doing anything really. I just wanted to curl up and go back to sleep. Maybe I could find Dave. Yeah right. With how many Dave's there were in the dream bubbles I doubt I would find the real him. "Karkat. I Know How This Must Hurt You. It Hurts Us All. Rose And Dave Were Siblings. John Was His Best Friend. He Was Special To All Of Us." I didn't respond. Sure he was special to all of them but not in the way he had been special to me. I closed the chat without giving Kanaya a chance to speak again. I didn't feel like talking. I sat in my chair, staring at the screen. What would life be like without him? Without his rapping, without his jokes, without his mindless rambling, without his cute face, without his red eyes that I had only seen once. We had been watching a movie on the meteor and I had pretended to fall asleep so I could have an excuse to lay in his lap. He had smiled at me and removed his shades. I had my eyes open only a sliver until I saw the ruby red beauties looking down at me. My eyes had shot open in surprise and wonder. He was a mutant just like me! Red eyes weren't normal for a human! He was just like me! He had quickly shoved his shades back on his face and for the first time, Strider stuttered as he made me promise never to tell anyone about his eyes. I had reluctantly agreed. I would never forget the sparkle in his eyes. They mesmerized me even to this day. More tears fell down my face at the memory. Several people were trying to contact me now but I responded to none of them. I knew how Dave felt now. I didn't want to talk. I was too sad. Even the fire of my ever constant rage was put out by the sadness that overtook me. For the next week all I did was sit and stare, sleep, and occasionally get up for a small snack. Nothing bigger than a piece of toast. My stomach was screaming for more but I was too weak to make anything. I could tell the others were worried but I didn't respond and when they came to my door I wouldn't answer. My door was locked so they couldn't get in. Eventually they all stopped coming. Gave up on me I guess. When I would sleep, I would search endlessly for my Dave but I never found him and Aradia didn't seem to know where he was either, although she promised she would keep an eye out for him. I could tell I was sick. I could tell I wouldn't last much longer. I didn't care. All the more time to search for Dave. I closed my eyes and felt my heartbeat slow to a stop. I awoke in what appeared to be my hive back on Alternia. I looked in the reflective surface of my computer and saw my dead white eyes. I tried to muster an angry face but I couldn't budge from my frown. I sighed when I heard two pairs of feet land behind me. I turned and saw Aradia and a Dave. "Hey Karkat! I found him! The Dave you were looking for! Although it seems I found him a little too late. I still hope you enjoy talking to him!" With that, Aradia flew off leaving the Dave behind. Was this really the Dave I knew and loved? Only one way to find out. "Dave? What movie were we watching when I saw your eyes?" Dave thought for a moment. "Pride and Prejudice I think. Troll version." I smiled for the first time in forever. Tears returning for a good reason. It was him. It really was! I ran up and wrapped him in a huge hug. He was surprised at first but hugged back, laying his head on top of mine. I lightly punched his arms when we pulled away. "HOW DARE YOU DO THAT TO US! NOW I'LL NEVER GET TO SEE YOUR AMAZING EYES EVER AGAIN!" I said, returning to my usual volume. Dave laughed. "Sorry bro. At least now we can hang out forever." I smiled at him. "ACTUALLY DAVE. THERE WAS SOMETHING I ALWAYS MEANT TO TELL YOU BEFORE YOU DIED. I'M FLUSHED FOR YOU." I was blushing heavily as I spoke. Dave looked shocked for a moment before smiling sweetly. "And I loved you. I thought you deserved someone better." "YOU'RE THE BEST THERE IS STRIDER! HOW DARE YOU THINK OTHERWISE!" Dave was blushing. "Glad you think so bro." Dave started to lean closer to Karkat and soon the distance was closed between them with a kiss. When they pulled away, they stared into the whiteness where eyes normally would be. "Flushed for you Dave." "Love you too Karkles."