DAWG

Another Piece of Me?

I feel...

Honestly, I don't really know what I feel.

"We have a son together..."

A son?

"His name is Zayvion."

I keep hearing Promise's confession, over and over, piercing my subconscious, from a place that currently remains unwelcome.

For that moment, it seemed like I was having an out of body experience and I was watching someone else.

Then she referred to me as a scared ass little boy. Why? Because I didn't give her the reaction she'd dreamt up in her mind, as if it should have been all rainbows and candied hearts. I guess if I'd embraced her, pulled her close to whisper my willingness into her ears, that would've gotten her approval.

Bullshit.

I wasn't about to give her that, and wrap myself up in something I don't believe in...

But deep down I know it's true.

I can see it.

That photo, I stare at it, and all I see looking back at me is - ME. That kid is me and that's what fucking bothers me! So essentially, I guess she was right. I am scared. Does that make me any less of a man? Maybe it does.

I'm expected to want to be there, because that's the right thing to do.

What if I don't want to do the right thing?

His eyes, the dark mop of loose curls, the dimples in his cheeks, and the essence of playful mischievousness in his smile...

That picture...

I see it and it makes me reminisce about the lonely child I used to be. I don't want to make excuses, yet I just... don't know what to do. How am I supposed to go about this? I'm lost. With that being made known, comes more questions. It makes me wonder if I should label myself a hypocrite if I decide that I don't want to be apart of his life. I'd be just like my mother - nonexistent.

Do I really want that?

Yes.

No.

Maybe.

Again, I don't know...

I can clearly see that little boy for who he is - my son. Even still, there's a part of me that wants to know him now. Then there's the selfish side - the part that wants to stay locked away and pretend I don't know of his existence.

I'm having a battle within myself, fighting who I know I shouldn't be.

But damn,

this is...

LIFE CHANGING.

I'm pissed off, and my anger lies in the fact that she waited so long. Then I realize why she chose to do so... because I'm not Prince Charming, and I don't think I could ever be. I don't fit the mold - family man - but I don't need to be that to take care of mine, right?

Exactly, and if that's true... then why is it bothering me so much?

It irritated me so bad that I accused her of using me. I couldn't even put up a facade that was air tight though, because she saw through it. I tried to appear unmoved, but seeing his face was my undoing.

That did it - broke the dam.

I was unraveling and if I hadn't turned away from her - EXPOSURE - a heart that hasn't beat for anyone or anything in a long time would've been visible.

So...

I said fuck it.

Selfish, I'm all about me...

But now that there's another piece of myself, I don't know if that's what I can continue to be.

-Zayne

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I know it's short, but it's just a glimpse into Zayne's head... I tried to give y'all the impression of scattered thoughts, when your head is all over the place, know what I mean?

Anyway, please vote, comment, & share!

Also thanks for getting this to 1K reads 😳😬😬! I don't know how to act, but know that it's greatly appreciated!
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