First off, I don't expect you to read it. I just need to get it out there. This was just something I wrote about myself. I full page of 11 Calibri font...
Lately I have come to accept my death. I'm not quite sure if that's good or bad. I know exactly what I want to say to make a wish, and what I want to say to the people who I request to meet. I've started to plan how I die, will it be slow or painful, or quick and painless. Will I say goodbye to my family, or will I even want to? I now accept I might commit suicide due to these facts. I'm always told I'm flawed, I'm lazy, too loud, too quiet, too morbid, too possessive, I don't take off my headphone when I speak to others... I'm sick of it. I'm just so done. I have weight problems and my teeth are jacked up. My parents are wasting money to fix my teeth, 200 dollars give or take a few each month to be precise. I can't even really will myself into drawling or writing anymore... after a while all those empty comments just don't mean anything. "Wow you so talented", "I wish I could draw like you", "Your writing is SO great! Good quality! Keep it up!" I don't even know anymore. Sure, I know I sound depressed, yes, but I do find some joys in my life every now and then but my overwhelming need to keep to keep tease emotion to myself have started to outweigh them. Tomorrow I half to go to school again, not exited. School is so stressful and just unenjoyable for me that I'd rather do anything other than go to it. When I'm at home most of my days are leisurely are calm, yet every night I feel unsatisfied on how I've spent my time. I always feel like I could do more. I've accepted that I'm going to die, so dose that limit what I can do while I'm alive? Do most people accept their inevitable death at the age 12? Is that normal or only for just... depressed people. I don't even know if I'm depressed. I mean I know I have it a lot better that a lot of people so I feel like I shouldn't feel like this. Like I should just suck it up and live with the weight and my shoulders that is one day going to drown me. I don't feel like I should be writing this in Calibri...... whelp here I am... writing this in Calibri. When I try to talk to others about how I'm feeling they brush it aside, either not believing me, or saying "I know you better than anybody"-which they don't- "and I know for a fact that you are not depressed." Of course, no rational person would believe them, I certainly don't, but it doesn't help me understand myself, but instead gets me more confused. The meaning of life is death, therefor we all die. We either kill ourselves or get killed. I fear I will take the "Genocide Route" if you will, I fear I will hurt other around me, eventually leading to their and my own destruction. I feel like I'm a glitch in the system, a soulless parasite, if you think about it. I've always been told I'm soulless... what if there right? Ugh... I didn't want to save this to the OneDrive yet here it is, being saved to the OneDrive. Hold on gimme an sec. Okay this should work. YES! Okay back to venting. Sometimes I forget how to feel, like I'm just here. A soulless parasite that doesn't know how to exist and only learning how to feel. I can't even find people I feel... human with. I'm either insane, mentally challenged or just done with life and ready to kill myself. I just don't feel normal and I find it sad. I just can't fit in. Hhhhh I wish fictional characters were real. I feel like I'd get along great with Ink, Error, Fresh... Their complements and advice wouldn't feel hollow like so many others do. I feel like I isolate myself too much... yet I enjoy the silence... the pure isolation... being alone. Those are things I enjoy, yet can never seem to achieve. I'm always bothered by something or someone. Somethings always on my mind. I accept that I'm a procrastinator, that I have anxiety issues... that I have coping issues... But there's a difference between accepting and taking action. After time, everything just stops having meaning. Things have just stopped having meaning for me. When things finally do mean something it only lasts for a few minutes. I just feel so incomplete.
