Just an illusion. | Jaythan AU | co-written with @chasing_TW

Chapter thirty

Chapter thirty.

As Jay was stood in front of his mirror, Nathan helped him fix his black tie, since Jay didn't know how to do it himself. Nathan thought Jay looked amazing and perfect, but then he realised that Jay shouldn't have to be in the position of dressing in black. Jay shouldn't have lost a friend. Jay shouldn't have been talked into actually killing his best friend without him knowing what he was doing.

Nathan knew all too well that Jay had been dreading this day, but he felt he had to go. He thought it was his fault Tom was dead. The least he could do is go to his funeral and pay his respects.

Nathan had tried to tell Jay that if he didn't feel up to it, or if he felt he couldn't handle it, he shouldn't go. After all, Nathan had to think of Jay's well being before anything else. Jay had insisted, however, and although Nathan didn't like it, he couldn't force Jay.

As Jay stood there, staring at his own reflection, he found himself asking Nathan, "Do I look like a murderer?"

Nathan quickly pulled Jay close and wrapped his arms around him. Jay instantly hugged him back, happy to be in his arms again. Jay didn't know what he'd ever do without Nathan, but he guessed he got a little taste of that when Nathan disappeared without a trace. Jay had felt as if his whole world were about to explode and come crashing down on him. Max was amazing, and he was a great distraction, but deep down Jay knew it would always be Nathan he truly loved and would need.

But then Max had become so essential to Jay, the thought of almost losing him was too much to bear. He'd almost lost Max before; he wouldn't ever let that happen again.

Nathan said, "No Jay, you don't because you didn't murder him. You didn't know what you were doing, or what Tom was asking of you. So no, you don't nor will you ever look like a murderer."

Jay felt horrible for Tom, wherever he was. He knew towards the end, neither his brother nor his mum had really cared about him. They'd sort of ignored he was there since they found out about all of Tom's issues. Jay knew that maybe, if Tom hadn't felt so alone and misunderstood, he wouldn't have done everything he had done.

Funerals make you think a lot about life in general, not just the person who has actually passed away. Right then, Jay thought about life and how fragile it was, how only the swipe of a blade or a lack of oxygen for as little as five minutes could kill you so easily, so quickly, How could something as simple as that manage to stop a person's entire existence? Jay was baffled by that idea. Nathan knew what he was thinking, as he thought the exact same thing.

Nathan sighed as he helped set some of Jay's stray curls from his face. Jay was very quiet, as he was lost in his own thoughts. All you could hear was a dead silence and the sound of the two lads breathing.

Nathan looked to his left, where he thought he had seen someone. There, on top of Jay's heater, sat Tom. He had that same haunted and sad look he had the other time he had seen him. Tom watched Jay with a sort of infatuation, as he wouldn't take his eyes off of him. That kind of bothered Nathan, but it was Tom's funeral. Maybe it was better to let dead dogs lie.

~*~*~

Max drove Jay to the funeral, since he was going too. Neither of the boys chose to speak at the service, so Tom's mother, brother, and Siva were going to speak. Nathan was in the back seat, as he didn't want to leave Jay alone at a moment like this. He knew Jay would be vulnerable and weak, and he would need someone to keep him strong. Nathan swore to himself to be that person, the one whose hand Jay could squeeze if he felt horrible, or whose soothing words could keep Jay calm when he felt a panic attack coming on.

Nathan saw Tom again when they walked into the place, staring at himself lifeless in the casket. Tom and Nathan made eye contact, and Nathan decided to smile at him for encouragement. He knew how hard a transition from life to death was, and how surreal it felt looking down at yourself dead. Tom smiled back sadly, and looked at Jay. His smile grew a little brighter, and Nathan was happy that at least Tom could have one last look at Jay before the burial, where Tom would be gone from this planet forever. His soul would find peace somewhere else, or at least Nathan hoped.

Halfway through the service, Nathan noticed a change in Jay's breathing. He recognised the shallow, quick breaths and the soft gasping for air. Jay was losing it; he was having another panic attack. Nathan grabbed Jay's hand and squeezed it tightly, trying to give him strength through his touch. Max squeezed his other hand and whispered, "It's okay, Jay, calm down, it'll be okay. Nathan lightly kissed Jay's shoulder, and Jay visibly relaxed.

Jay didn't have any hallucinations or see any illusions, as Nathan had made sure Jay had taken his meds before he left. Jay was actually okay, and it was all because of the two boys standing next to him, keeping him strong and never leaving his side, no matter how crazy he was.

It didn't even hurt as much when Jay went over to Tom's body to pay his respects. It was surreal seeing Tom's body, since the last time he'd seen Tom he was alive and awake. Jay softly ran his fingers along Tom's cold hand, a few tears threatening to fall.

"Tom, I just want you to know that I'm not mad about what happened last between us anymore. Yes, it was disturbing, and yes, you took something away from me that now I can never get back, but I forgive you. I never stopped believing in the Tom I saw crouched on the floor that day in uni, vulnerable but sane. I never thought you were evil or a horrible person. I really did understand you, Tom. And it hurts that you're gone, that we can't work through this all together, that we couldn't figure out this disease. I wish we could, believe it or not. I'm going to miss the old friend I used to jump on the trampoline with and have water balloon fights on Max's lawn with. I'm going to miss those days, Tom-Tom, and I'm never going to see you as the monster you swore you were. So, I guess, here's to forever, and I'll see you someday, mate." Jay bent down and kissed Tom's cold forehead. Tom had heard every word, and tears rushed down his cheeks like a waterfall.

Or maybe it was just the feeling of tears rushing. He was dead now. No more crying.

Nathan held Jay's hand and whispered to him, "Tom says that he'll never forget all you did for him, and that he'll never stop loving you. He says thank you for your words, and that he misses the old days when you boys were all mates. He would give anything for those days again. He will miss you, Jay, more than anyone else."

Jay asked, "How do you know what he's saying?"

"Because I can see him and hear him. He's right here, even though you don't see him." Jay stopped for a moment and stared at the air in front of him. Tom stared back with a small smile. Some of his earlier sadness was gone now, with Jay's words making him smile again.

Jay had no idea, but he had managed to change the lives of not one person, not two, but three. Jay had no clue, and that's why Nathan promised that from then on, he would make sure Jay knew and understood the effect he had had on others.

Jay was a life-changer, whether he realised it or not.

Written by @chasing_TW