Just an illusion. | Jaythan AU | co-written with @chasing_TW

Chapter thirty four

Nathan's heart stopped beating momentarily and he shook his head back and forth in denial. What did he mean, he'd never see him again? Surely God couldn't be that cruel. It wasn't his fault he fell in love with Jay! What's not to love about him?

Nathan thought about that gut-wrenching feeling he'd had earlier about leaving Jay. If Tom really was telling the truth, his gut was right.

After he'd promised Jay he wouldn't leave him. After he swore to him that he would help him recover, maybe even heal himself. Nathan began to panic in a way he's never panicked before. How would he explain this to Jay? How could he? Jay wouldn't even believe him, and even if he did, Jay would be even more broken and would just give up again.

Tears flowed steadily down Nathan's cheeks as the reality of the situation hit him. Nathan was never going to see Jay again. There was no possible way Nathan could stop loving him overnight- that'd be impossible.

But then the question remained- if Nathan would lose his status as Jay's guardian angel, then who would take his place? Nathan decided to ask Tom, since he seemed to know a lot about the situation.

"W-who would take my place?" Nathan asked shakily. Tom didn't reply, he only hung his head and avoided eye contact.

"Well? Answer me! Don't just stand there and keep your mouth shut!" Nathan yelled.

Tom flinched at the loudness and sharpness in Nathan's tone, but he took a deep breath and sighed. "Me."

Nathan stumbled back, as if Tom's words had punched him in the gut. Look at that- not only had a replacement been found already, but of all people, it had to be Tom.

"What? N-no! No! You won't come near him! All you do is hurt him! You can't come anywhere near him!"

"Well, it's not like it's my choice, Nathan!" Tom shouted back.

Nathan was about to break down into a fit of sobs. This couldn't be happening right now. Soon, in 48 hours, Jay would be gone from his life, and nothing could change that.

What would Max think? He'd think that he was right about Nathan, that Nathan really didn't care about Jay. Max would try to take his place and be with Jay. Nathan was going to lose Jay to Max. That thought made him sick.

"Is there any way to change God's mind? Is there a way to change this?" Nathan asked, desperately seeking for a solution that wasn't there.

Tom shook his head. "Don't you think I would've told you had there been a way out of this, genius?" he replied sarcastically. Clearly he wasn't amused by the way he had raised his voice at him.

"Tom, Jay will break..." Nathan said, his voice breaking.

"Let's hope not", Tom replied sadly before disappearing. It took everything Nathan had not to break down and keep it all in. He turned around to meet Jay back inside. He found the curly haired boy putting his Converse back on.

"Everything okay?" Jay asked, oblivious to the fact that soon he'd never see Nathan again.

"Yeah", Nathan lied. "Never better."

~*~*~

Tom sat at the side of Jay's bed, his fingers softly running through the sleeping boy's curls. Tom felt a surge of sadness. He'd thought death would be peaceful, that there'd be no more sadness and pain. He was wrong. If anything, this was worse than being alive. Tom was lonely. This loneliness and sadness he constantly felt was a punishment for all he did to Jay, and for committing indirect suicide by telling Jay to switch off his oxygen. Tom felt this empty void in his chest that only being close to Jay filled. Tom didn't want Nathan to have to leave Jay- he saw how good Jay was with him. But there was no choice.

Tom stared intently at the two boys cuddled together. Nathan's face was buried in Jay's hair, hiding what he imagined was his red, puffy face from crying so much. Jay was fast asleep, without a care in the world.

Suddenly, Jay began whimpering in his sleep. He tossed his head back and forth and mumbled unintelligible things under his breath. Tom struggled to hear. It sounded a bit like, "Don't go... Don't let me go..." Tom saw a tear slip down Jay's cheek, and he wiped it away softly. Jay relaxed under his touch and stopped whimpering. Tom smiled without planning to. He continued to stroke Jay's hair, until he heard Jay's soft little voice say, "Tom, I miss you." Tom's eyes immediately darted to an awake Jay, his blue eyes now seemingly dark staring at him intently.

"I... I miss you too, Jay. More than you can imagine." Jay smiled a bit and patted the spot next to him. Nathan's arm had unwrapped itself from Jay's waist as he had turned. Tom sat slowly and softly, as to not disturb Nathan. How he felt sorry for that poor lad.

Tom laid down and wrapped an arm around Jay. Surprisingly enough, Jay didn't recoil or tense up. He seemed more relaxed than ever. Jay reached for Tom's hand and intertwined their fingers. Tom's heart skipped a beat.

"Why is something telling me I'll be seeing a lot more of you soon?" Jay asked with a lopsided grin.

"Maybe it means something", Tom replied as he brushed a strand of hair from Jay's face. Jay giggled at the contact.

"Do you know if he's okay?" Jay asked, all mirth gone from his voice. He seemed genuinely worried.

"No I don't, sorry", Tom replied, not wanting to give Nathan away if he wasn't ready to tell the truth.

"He's been acting really bizarre", Jay said. Tom nodded and stared into Jay's dark blue eyes in the dark.

"Tom, are you even real? Am I just seeing you, or are you really there?" Jay asked.

"No, Bird, I'm here. It's really me."

"So that's what Nathan meant every time he said he saw you. Just like I am, right?"

"Right."

Jay nodded and came closer to Tom, until they were inches apart. Tom's breathing got heavier.

"Tom, I don't want you to think I never loved you. I did. I still do, okay? So don't be lonely or anything." Tom laughed a bit and said, "Okay, Jaybird." Jay smiled and gave Tom a quick peck on the lips, leaving Tom with only a few moments of wondering what the hell just happened before Jay was out like a light again.

~*~*~

Nathan was determined to make the best of their last moments together. Nathan would make them the most magical of Jay's life. He figured taking Jay out would be more effective than staying cooped up in Jay's bedroom and maybe lighting a few scented candles for effect.

Nathan had it all planned out too. If he was going to go down defying God and remaining a lovesick fool for Jay, then he may as well do it with a bang. First, he'd take Jay ice skating again. Then he would make his biggest fantasies come true. Nathan would take Jay on a walk by the seashore of the beach. Lastly, and possibly the most important of all, Nathan would take Jay back to his bedroom and make love to him for the first time. It would be special now, and it had been something Nathan had been wanting to do for a really long time. He knew Jay would be okay with it- he knew him just that well. Nathan's heart picked up speed at just the thought of running his hands all over Jay's body, making him sweat, feeling his body rock along with Jay's, a rhythm of the two becoming one for the first time.

Nathan couldn't wait.

Written by @chasing_TW.