Just an illusion. | Jaythan AU | co-written with @chasing_TW

Chapter thirty eight

Tom spent almost all of his free time trying to figure out different ways to bring Nathan back. He would sit for hours at a time, writing down plans, scratching them out, rewriting, crumbling papers, sighing, dozing, and then planning some more. He'd come up with about fifteen different plans that all seemed to come to the same final outcome: there was no way Nathan could come back.

Tom knew that there probably wasn't a way, but he couldn't stop thinking. Even as he dozed, his thoughts would still run wild. He had to find a way. After all, it could partly make up for all the horrible things he did when he was alive.

Every day Max would ask if he'd come to any new conclusions, but it was always the same answer: "I'm still looking". Jay wasn't getting any better either. He seemed to be getting even worse, even with Max there with him.

Tom had dodged a bullet that day when he confessed the truth about Nathan to Jay. Jay had run off with a razor blade in his hands. Fortunately, Tom was able to talk him out of hurting himself with it and coaxed him out of the bathroom. Jay had literally collapsed into his arms in violent and desperate sobs and cries of loss. Tom feared that he wouldn't be a good enough guardian angel for him. He was always afraid he would fail and Jay would do something stupid.

Which is why he had asked for Max's help. Max saw the way Jay was everyday, and also noticed how bad he was getting. Jay's hallucinations and illusions started coming back again, even with his medication. Jay would constantly swear he was seeing Nathan. He was starting to get those nasty voices in his head that Tom had when he was alive, telling him all kinds of horrible things that left Jay depressed and self-hating.

"Jay, you're none of those things. Believe me when I say the voices are wrong. You can't believe them Jay!" Tom said as he held a sobbing Jay close to his own body and embraced him tighter than ever. Jay was slightly thankful for the comfort, but his life was over. His life ended when Nathan left. There was no saving him now, he thought to himself. The voices are right, there is no hope for me.

Tom had overheard this conversation and knew that he was running out of time. He had to do something, even if it meant he lost Jay forever to Nathan yet again. Throwing all the papers he had scribbled over in the air, he disappeared and reappeared in Heaven.

"Nathan! Nathan, where are you? Nathan!" Tom called. He was startled by a voice behind him.

"Tom? Shouldn't you be watching over Jay?" Nathan asked, his voice cracking at the mention of Jay's name.

"Max is with him." Nathan frowned at this and looked down at the floor.

"Of course he is. He warned me if I left Jay and broke his heart he would be there to pick up the pieces and make sure I never came back to him."

Tom nods. "Look, I came up here because we're running out of time. He's losing himself and giving into the pain too much. Everything you taught him is slipping away. I need to find a way to bring you back, I don't care how."

"Tom, I tried. Believe me I tried. I can't find any loopholes or ways out. I've searched desperately, but I just can't find anything."

"Nathan, Jay tried to kill himself the other day again." Nathan was taken aback completely.

"What? That's how you take care of him?" he practically yelled accusingly.

"Nathan, relax, I talked him out of it. But he really does need you, which is why I won't stop looking until I find a way. I'm not giving up, neither should you."

A new glow and sparkle flashed in Nathan's eyes as he imagined finding a way out and back to Jay again. Nathan knew he couldn't give Jay up to just anyone, but he also couldn't leave him alone. He needed Nathan to be with him.