In Love With My Mobster Best Friend (mxmxm)

TWENTY-THREE: ATTENTION

Coe's POV

I stared at the keypad lock on the door, wondering when it started for me to feel like an intruder trying to get into Jared's place. I couldn't, for the life of me, figure out how I had grown so comfortable and accustomed to calling this apartment my home, when it wasn't at all. It was Jared's home, and I was just a visitor, a leech, really.

I hesitated at the door, wondering if Jared could have change the code to the locks on his door after I left.

A part of me hurt to think that he would do something like that, yet the other part of me wished he would, so that I could use it as an excuse to say that I didn't have a home anymore, and I should really get my own place to live in.

I wanted to smack myself so hard. These days, I've only been having confusing and contradicting thoughts about Jared. One moment I would be all determined to live my life without him, steadfast in wanting to carve out my own life without him in the picture. And the next moment, I wonder if he missed me around the house, if he even cared that I had not seen or spoken to him in days. I wondered if he was better off without me. Then my confidence melts away, and in its place, fear and insecurity would nestle in and make its place where it wanted.

I have been away from this house for five days now. I have been living off the couch at Heath's house for five days now. I have barely left Heath's house for five days now. I think, that's more than enough time to realise that I have been living like a beggar at Heath's, borrowing his towels and his clothing. I was starting to already feel like I'm overstaying my welcome.

I asked Heath for Jared's schedule last night, and I told him of my intentions to get some of my belongings from Jared's apartment when he leaves for work. Heath had initially wanted me to talk to Jared directly, to sort things out. But what could we sort out really? I was still having lingering feelings for Jared, and I know I wouldn't be able to stand it if I stayed close to Jared, so I was firm to tell Heath that I needed the space. I needed to completely isolate myself from Jared, or I know I will only fall back into the same pace and place that I had been so comfortable at before.

I know this time if it happened, I will not survive the heartache.

I clenched my jaw and mustered all the courage that I had, before I reached for the keypad and started to tap at the numbers on the keypad. When the sound of the door unlocking hit my ears, I let out a breath that I didn't know I had been holding.

Relief washed over me and I hated the sad smile that donned my face that the moment. Jared had not changed the pin to his home. Perhaps, in some twisted way, I was glad that Jared still welcomed me into his house.

I stepped into the apartment, taking in deep breaths and feeling the ache in my chest start to amplify as I remembered exactly why I had called this place my home before. This place smells like home. The scent of Jared's cologne lingers as the door where he would put on his shoes before he left the house.

Even the way the furniture was placed, it just made me feel like I wasn't a stranger in this house. Like I wouldn't even bump into a single thing in here even if I was blindfolded. Unlike when I was at Heath's.

I missed home. I missed this apartment. I missed Jared.

God, I am so weak.

I shook my head, reminding myself that the only reason why I felt like this was my home, was because I had spent years in it, getting used to the place. If I lived for this much time anywhere else, I would grow accustomed to the smells and the furniture too. Yes, that's it.

I pushed myself to walk into the house, steeling my heart the best of my abilities as I climbed the dreaded steps up the spiral stairs that I had grown used to climbing for years, feeling strangely dirty as I remembered the night that Jared had brought that woman up these same steps, and had his way with her outside my bedroom door.