All At Once (Completed) - Finding You Book 1

Harper

"He's over there," I tell Camden softly as we round a bend at the cemetery. My throat aches the way it always does when I visit Cade, but this trip is about so much more. This is a part of my healing. This is what I need to move forward.

He pulls to the side of the road and puts the car in park. I sit quietly for a full two minutes before working up the courage to get out of the car. I though the windshield until my eyes fill with tears. This hurts like hell, even eleven years later.

Camden's warm hands slide off the gear shift and onto my knee. He squeezes once, then twice until I turn to look at him and my tears slide down my cheeks. My hand slides into his and I feel his thumb

This look in his eyes is calming; I stare into them wordlessly until I have the energy to speak.

"I want to do this. I just never know what to do or say when I get up there," I tell him. "I should by now. When he died I saw therapists for years. They told me shit-storm of emotions is normal. That one minute I could feel fine and the next, horrible. They were right," I smile sadly. "It's been that way for years. They said it might help if I talked to him the way I did when he was alive. I felt stupid at first...talking to a piece of rock about basketball and what I had for lunch," I say. His eyes search mine carefully.

This man's patience and love for me is unlike anything I've ever known. He gives me the strength to put it all out there; his gentleness gives me the courage to mourn Cade openly, the way I need to.

"After a while, I realized I didn't have anything new to say. I wasn't proud of my life. I wanted to be able to tell him I was doing well and that he didn't have to worry about me, but I couldn't. I couldn't. I couldn't say it because I have never lied to my son," I say and he unbuckles his seatbelt and moves a little closer to me.

"I never stopped going, of course. Even if I just sat there and traced my fingers over his name. Even if I just asked him how he was and never got an answer. I don't know if he can hear me or see me, but I needed him to know that I still loved him and missed him, even though I didn't have much new to say,"

"I'm sure he knows, Harp," he says gently.

"I hope so," I nod.

Finally, I get the courage to open the door. I've made this trek so many times, but never with another person.

"I'd like you to come with me," I say, closing my eyes."I need you to come with me."

I've never needed anything more than this. This is me letting go.

He brings my hand up to his lips and kisses it; I know he can taste the tears on my warm skin. He doesn't say a word, just gets out of the car and walks around it to close my door.

"Chase," I say, catching his eyes through the half open window of the backseat. "You don't have to come if it makes you uncomfortable, but I'm okay if you do. It's up to you,"

He surprises me with a small nod and slides out of the car.

We walk slowly to the site. It feel's like an eternity before we reach his headstone that reads 'Cade Clark, beloved son, nephew, grandson.' Chase looks down at it for a minute, then over at me. He's trying to be supportive, but I can see the discomfort building in his eyes.

"I'm going to stand by that tree. Sorry, Harper," Chase says. His eyes are glassy, too.

"Okay," I say, touching his arm gently as he starts to walk away. He settles on the ground with his back against the tree, his fingers fiddling with a few blades of grass. Having him here, even a few feet away, was more than I ever expected.