CALLA

1: Calla

Thirty years of a woman's life played in my dreams like a movie. 

Minutes after she was born, a young mother left her outside a firehouse station. A fireman saved the small baby and send the infant to an orphanage home where she lived for 18 years. Despite being an orphan, she grew up strong and independent. While her life wasn't perfect, she worked hard to live comfortably. Even though there were limits to what she could do – her world was wide and far. All of her accomplishments, failures, goals, and dreams were displayed before me - showing me how beautiful her life was. 

Her life had been short – but she lived every day to the fullest with no regrets. There was always a smile on her face. Even while she was dying in the hospital, she had her usual carefree smiles. 

Then my own life begins to play as her life ended. While her life that was shown in color, mine was in black and white. My childhood showed a small child living in a large castle mansion - surrounded by many with no one to reach out a hand out to. Born with a golden spoon, I was given everything. A typical spoil rotten girl with the big world handed to her and yet her perception was small and narrow. Then there was my older sister who was intelligent, beautiful, and elegant – everything I was not. Everything I wanted to be.

My family – especially my father love my older sister. She was his golden child. I was the forgotten child. My attempts to get his attention always fail. My personality and behavior deteriorate as I grew up underneath my perfect older sister's shadow. Flashing scenes of a child desperately wanting attention and affection played over and over until I understood that the child will always be neglected. 

Then there was a ray of light and an image of a beautiful boy appeared - the boy that consumed my heart and thoughts. As quickly as my heart beat for him - it shattered when I was told he was meant for my sister. She had already consumed all my parents love. Why must she also have my ray of light? 

Watching the black and white memories, I saw clearly how nasty I was toward my sister. All the anger and resentment I had for her built up as I grew older and older. How foolish and ignorant I was as I lash out my ugly jealousy? I had been too blinded to see that the person I love did not love me. From the beginning, he never noticed my existence.

While I chased desperately for love, I fell into a trap that ruined my family. Because of my stupidity, I caused my father's company to go bankrupt. Because of my selfishness, I caused my sister to lose her fiance. I had thought I lost everything when the truth was there had been nothing for me to lose. I had nothing. At 20, I cowardly ended it all with a bottle of pills.

"Silly, silly girl"  

All of a sudden, I was standing before the woman in my dreams. It had felt surreal. Even though we were standing in a pitch black space, I could still see her clearly.

How could that be possible?

"Calla, what's wrong?"

I could hear the tenderness in her voice. When she suddenly hugged me, I felt this indescribable feeling of warmth. I don't remember the last time anyone held me like this.

"Why am I not loved?" I asked her through sudden tears.

She pressed her forehead to mind and smiled softly. Looking into the same light blue green eyes, I could see her amusement at my question.

"Is being loved important?"

The question startled me. Wasn't love important to everyone? Wasn't it important to her? Then it hit me. The person before me had live independently. She didn't rely on anyone and work to live contentedly. Everything she had – it was due to her own power and effort. She had never chased after love. She never needed anyone to love her. She never depended on anyone to give her happiness. For her, whatever she wanted and needed, she relied on her own strength.

"There are other things in life that can give us joy" Her voice was gentle. "Live and find it"

Live and find it. 

"How...?" I had already killed myself.

"Life is simple" She continues to press our forehead together. "Strengthen your body so your mind will be stronger. Expand your mind so your perception is wider. Don't rely on someone else for your happiness. Do what you want – enjoy what you do."

Staring into her eyes, it felt like looking deeply into my own eyes.

"Calla"

I called out for her before a bright light forced my eyes closed.

"Learn to let go" was the last thing I heard from her.