Ambiguous (A Shameron Fanfic)

Chapter 19: It All Starts With Me

I've been thinking a lot lately about one thing in particular: Cameron. That kiss was a total fuck up on my part. I haven't talked to him in a couple of days. At first I was so depressed and stressed out about how he reacted. But, when it comes down to it he was just being honest. He's not gay and there's nothing I can do to change that. I wouldn't say I'm in love with him, I just have a feeling for him that I've never had for anyone else. I don't know if it's because I've never let myself notice guys, or if Cameron is just special. The more I lay here and think, the more I can kind of see a history of me fitting into this whole stereotype of being gay. I kind of have a high pitched voice. Not really high, just higher than the average male I think. That's what I've been told anyways. I think my voice sounds normal. I get erections when I see 'hot' guys. One of my best friends is a girl.

I just don't understand why it had to be me. Why did I have to be gay? What was God thinking when he made me? Let's make this one a faggot? I feel tears start streaming down my face. Honestly though: why do I have to be gay? Who I am is not who I thought I was. I always wanted a wife and kids and a family and I still do; but at the same time I don't. I can't be happy with a woman. A woman can't make me feel the way guys do; the way Cameron does. But why does that mean I have to give up all of those dreams? I can still have a family. I am gay. I'm a faggot. More tears pour down my face. I'm a dick sucking faggot. What the hell is wrong with me? When did all of this start? Have I always been this way?

I get up and walk to my bathroom. I roll out some toilet paper and blow my nose. Damn that's a lot of snot. I get some more toilet paper and dry my eyes. I look up at myself in the mirror. Tear trails stain my cheeks and my eyes are blood shot; my hair is extremely messy. I'm only wearing gray sweatpants. Small stumble stains my cheeks and under my chin. Damnit I need to shave. I didn't go to school that day I kissed Cameron but I had to go for the rest of the week excluding today. We had today off for some kind of parent teacher conference thing at the school. Today's Friday and the fall formal is tonight. I never did find a date and asking Cameron kind of became out of the question. So two days ago I texted Tessa and asked if she wanted to go with me. I haven't really talked to Ash or Nash about anything going on. They don't even know who Tessa is. I think they know something's wrong with me but I'm not about to explain it to either one of them. I'm going through some serious shit right now and I can't even talk to them about it. I can't talk to anyone about it. I've realized the inevitable truth: I am the only one who truly cares about me. Nash doesn't, Ash doesn't, my parents don't, and even Cameron doesn't.

I should probably start getting ready. I walk back into my bedroom and pick up my phone off the charger. It's 6 o' clock and the dance starts at 8. Tessa's coming by at a quarter after 7. I see a number of unopened texts and missed calls from Nash and Ash. Cameron's called me a few times here and there over the past few days but I've ignored them. Today it looks like he's called me 4 times. I think it'll be easier for me to get over him if we just don't talk. I can't be friends with him. I like him to much for that. And the way he responded when I kissed him. I could never forget that. I still don't know if he's told Ash and Nash what happened. I don't know what I'll do if he did.

Shawn: Hey Tess this is Shawn. You excited about tonight?
6:03

I literally had like a 5 minute conversation with her in person but she was the first person I actually opened up to about all of this. She actually is someone I can talk to. I explained the whole Cameron situation and everything going on in my life and she was more than happy to come to this dance with me.

Tessa: Hey Shawn! I'm totally excited about tonight. I'll see you in about an hour?
6:05

Shawn: Yup. You still got my address?
6:06

Tessa: Yup. I'll see you soon! And we're not getting drunk tonight and "sleeping together" again.😉😂
6:07

Shawn: Shut up😂🙄
6:08