I really am tired. Not like physically tired like sleepy, I mean like emotionally. Too many times I've put my feelings and heart on the line for Cameron and he's made me feel completely dumb every time. Two calls and a couple texts and I'm waltzing back into his life like he never left mine. I am honestly tired of this; I'm worn out. Every time shit starts going good for me, he goes and fucks it up. And I still haven't told him I'm moving. It's crazy. We're supposed to be leaving a little after New Years. It's December 1st and my birthday is in a few days and Christmas feels like it's right around the corner and after that I'll be gone. Which is just another reason why I shouldn't even be driving to his house. You know what, fuck him. I pull over on the side of the road.
Come on Shawn you're fine. You're not going to have a mental breakdown. After sitting there for a few minutes and listening to the radio I put my car back in drive and start driving again. I'm not driving to Shawn's house anymore. I'm driving home. I'm not gonna cry, I'm not gonna feel bad, and I'm definitely not gonna go home and think about him. I'm done being week. He's made me this insecure ball of mush and I don't wanna be that. I'm Shawn fucking Mendes and I'm not gonna let anyone have that kind of control over me. And fuck River for allowing me to put myself into a shitty situation like this. If he really liked me he wouldn't have sent me somewhere I could get my heart broken. Fuck everyone! Ugh!
*****
I lay in my bed crying. I'm actually crying. Fuck people. All they do is hurt you. I was so in love with Cameron and he's just cut me out of his life. It just sucks. I still wanted to be his friend even if that meant we couldn't be together. Why'd he have to be such a dick? What did I do to deserve that? And honestly River is so adorable and sweet. I just wanna cuddle with him. But I can't help thinking of Cameron too. But he forced me to go see Cameron. If he were a good friend he wouldn't have let me go. The dumb fucker would have just let me stay and jerk him off or suck his dick or something. Ugh! It's like I'm not even crying because I'm sad, I'm crying because I'm pissed off. I hear my phone vibrate. I swear to God if that is either one of those boys. I pick my phone up and see it's a text from Nash.
Nash: Hey I'm here.
Fuck I forgot he was coming over.
Shawn: Come in.
That's another fucked up thing in my life. I need to stop crying before he gets up here. I go into my bathroom and look at myself in the mirror. Eh. I've looked better but I've also looked worse. I fix up my hair a little and dry my eyes. I walk back to my bed and right when I sit down he knocks on my bedroom door. "Come in." I yell. He opens the door and comes in.
"Hey man." he says walking over to my rolly office chair.
"How you been?" I ask causally.
"I've been ok. Ash and I and are doing good. She wants to come over and talk to you too."
"What do you wanna talk about?" I ask. He is fidgeting with the zipper at the bottom of his jacket.
"Let's talk about you." he says. "I've missed you man. I miss my best friend." You don't miss me. You don't even actually know me.
"Oh." I say awkwardly.
"Can I ask you something Shawn?" he says. "And I want you to be completely honest."
"Shoot." I say. What's he wanna ask me?
"And I want you to know I'll always love you dude."
"Yah I'll always love you too." I say honestly. Even if I'm mad at him for him not liking gay people I'll still always love him. He was always there for me growing up.
"Are you gay?" he asks softly. He didn't say it rudely, or meanly or like he was trying to get under my skin. He asked as though he just wanted to know. Like when people ask you what your favorite color is or what you favorite food is.
YOU ARE READING
Ambiguous (A Shameron Fanfic)
Romance"Why are you crying?" she finally asks. "I don't know." I say truthfully, moving off her shoulder and drying my tears with my hands. "Are you ashamed of yourself?" she asks me, looking at me as if I were a poorly tied knot about to fall apart. "I...
