Ambiguous (A Shameron Fanfic)

Chapter 26: No but Yes, Yes but No

I pull the curtains over, blocking out the sunlight. I don't want sunlight right now. I want my bed and darkness and my music. Lots of darkness and lots of music. I lay in my bed, shirtless in just my light blue American Eagle underwear. It's been a weak since Nash and I's talk. I'm 17 now. I've been distant with River lately. I've tried so hard to get Cameron out of my head but every time I try I fail and start thinking about him again. What he and I had was amazing. He was my best friend and I miss him. But he hurt me. He made me feel worthless.

The feeling of being worthless, I can honestly say, is the worst feeling I've ever felt; it is worse than disappointment, anger, sadness. All of those emotions pale in comparison to the devaluation of ones self. The feeling of self worthlessness puts you in a completely different state of mind. 

I'm in a state of mind where my thoughts are insignificant because of the incredible amount of doubt I feel in myself. I'm realizing that I'm not worth it. Honestly what bearing do I have on this earth? I don't say this in a suicidal way like oh poor pity me I don't belong, no one cares about me. I literally mean I serve no purpose in this world. I get average grades, I do no sports or clubs, at this moment I have like one and a half friends. The only person in this world that relies on me is myself. And I don't want him anymore. I don't wanna be gay. I don't wanna be hated by people that don't even know who I am. I don't wanna be judged because of the persons I am uncontrollably attracted to. And all of those things are me; and it just really fucking sucks.

*****

As I open me eyes I hear the knocks on the other side of my bedroom door. "Shawn?" my mom asks.

"What?" I ask tiredly. I must have fallen asleep. I don't mind a little nap.

"Cameron is here to see you. I made him wait at the door. I didn't know if you guys were still fighting." What the fuck? Why is he here? She has noticed that we hadn't hung out for a few weeks so a few days ago I told her me and him were fighting and we prolly wouldn't hang out anymore. And honestly we're not fighting right now because to fight you have to care. And I don't. The pain Cameron put me through a month ago is honestly the strongest pain I've ever felt in my life. It wasn't just the rejection that stung but the bigotry remarks he made about who I am. I could've handled the rejection. But not the rudeness. And I'm not overreacting. Nobody deserves to hear that who they are is disgusting especially when they can't change who they are.

"Tell him to go away." I say without much other thought.

"Ok sweety. I love you." I hear her walk away. I start my music again. That's right make him leave. Make him drive all the way back home. Just imagine how much gas money he wasted. Haha, dumb bitch. After a few minutes of laying there my music miraculously turns off and I hear my phone ringing. I pick it up off my bedside table and see Cameron's name across my screen. I decline his call. Just go away Cameron. I don't wanna talk to you! A few seconds later another call comes. I decline again. You think he'd get the message I'm sending. I lay there, playing my music again.

A few minutes later I hear the faint sound of something being hit. A couple seconds later I hear it again. I realize it's coming from my window. I get up walking to it, pulling my curtain back. It's later in the afternoon now and the sun is slowly setting in the distance; I can't really see it though due to the clouds. A pretty steady rain has been falling for a few minutes now. It's almost cold enough to be snow. I see Cameron, standing in a black jacket, throw another small rock at my window. Does he not understand I don't wanna talk to him? I unlock my window and open it, trying not to get wet from the rain.

"Go away Cameron." I yell. He opens his mouth to respond but I close the window back. I don't care what he has to say. I watch him as he begs me to listen and I lock the window and close the curtains again. I lay back down in my bed. I hesitate for a few seconds and soon realize there is silence. He's actually gone away. I turn my music back on. I get up, looking for a good book to read. I used to be so into reading. I loved it. Reading was my escape from reality. When life became too hard to bare I'd turn to King Arthur and the knights of the round table ir I'd read some Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, Twilight, The Hunger Games, any mystery novel, romances, fantasy. It felt amazing to just leave this shitty place and go somewhere where things could actually go ok. When I read I went to a place where the good guy kills the bad guy, where the guy gets the girl, and where life doesn't just fucking suck. I never read a book where the guy gets the guy though. That could have really helped to see that who I am is ok.