As I walk into the entrance hall music can be heard coming all the way from the gym. The entrance hall was what you walked into when coming through the front doors of the school. Our school's colors are blue and white, so naturally most things in the school follow this color pattern. Tessa and I walk to the end of what seems to be a pretty lengthy line leading into the gym. Tonight I'm going to have fun. Tessa and I are gonna dance our asses off. Our plan is to find someone for me to make out with. A hot guy. He doesn't even have to be gay.
I've decided that I'm leaving soon and I don't care what these people think of me. In a few months I'll never have to see these people again in my life, so why should I put my life on hold for them. My entire life I've been told by everybody that liking guys was wrong. Because of my parents or friends I've been afraid to act on those feelings. I'm done resisting. If I find someone I think's attractive I'm gonna ask em if they wanna make out. I'll prolly get turned down more than not but who cares. I wanna kiss a boy. Cameron was my first kiss and while it didn't last that long I still liked it. The feeling I got inside because of it was more than bliss. For the first time in my life I felt satisfied; like I'd gotten something I thought I'd never be able to get. Immediately after those 2 seconds he ruined the whole thing but that's beside the point. Tonight I want more than 2 seconds. I want minutes. I want hours. I want an eternity. And I'm sure any guy here can give me what I felt when I kissed Cameron.
******
"You just need to try harder." Tessa says, trying to convince me to try harder to find a guy.
"I haven't been able to find someone." I say truthfully. It's been a lot harder to find a guy to just make out with. First of all people don't know I'm gay and it's kind of scary telling people. Earlier I thought it wouldn't be that bad but I haven't even been able to say it out loud. I still haven't said that I'm the g word yet. I'm even hesitating to say it in my head.
More songs play and I dance around continually getting more sweaty. I haven't started to get tired yet but I figure it's coming soon. After another fast song stops I go to get something to drink. At the punch bar I start to pour myself a drink when someone comes over beside me. I look over to see it's Nash.
"Why have you been ignoring me and Ash?" he asks, sadness evident in his voice. I fumble for some words, finally being able to respond after a few seconds.
"I'm moving." I say. He almost chokes on the punch he's trying to drink.
"What?!" he asks, setting his cup down and swallowing what was in his mouth. "When? Where?" he asked, his face displaying pure shock.
"Soon." I say. "Far away." I add. I take a drink of the punch. I don't really care anymore.
"Can we talk?" he asks me.
"I'm gonna go." I say. "I need some air." I don't wanna talk.
"Shawn there's something we need to talk about. We and Ash did something-" I walk away not hearing the rest. I don't care what him and Ash did. I feel the heat in my body rising. I need fresh air. After shuffling through many people I finally find a door. I step outside, the cool air brushing over my body. I walk to the right, letting the door shut behind me and I lean up against the outside wall of my school.
I need to stop thinking. Nash and Ash were my best friends and I don't care anymore. Cameron was my best friend and I don't care anymore. They all suck. The fact that Cameron isn't gay sucks. But there's nothing I can do to change that. And it's just so strange that I thought I was in love with him. I mean sure we were best friends but I didn't actually know him like that. We were friends. I never got to see how he could have been as a boyfriend and I never will. I don't know if he is a sweet lover, a rough lover, if he's shy or expressive. So really I don't understand why I felt so in love with him. He was just some person I ran into one day at the movies. And I was just some loser going to the movies alone. He had a girlfriend.
I don't know why I let my stupid self start to fall for him. I kick the ground. I fell for someone who could never fall for me. I slowly slide down the wall, bending my knees as I sit on the ground. This is exactly what I was trying to prevent tonight. Now I'm all sad and actually thinking, instead of just ignoring it all and having a good time. This whole night has been a total let down. My head is resting against my palms, my arms bent at the elbow resting on my knees. I hear the exit door open. I don't wanna talk to whoever it is. "I don't wanna talk." I say, assuming it's Nash or Ash. I look over and see Cameron looking at me. His hair is done up with gel, his bangs flowing to the right. He's wearing a white dress shirt with a light blue tie resting against his chest. His black dress pants are tightly fastened around his hips. I'm sure his ass looks great right now.
"Shawn." he says looking at me. His eyes are wide and his mouth is ajar. This is what always confuses me. If he's not into me then why does he do things like that. That look he's giving me is just so... confusing. I stand up fast and look at him. What is he doing here?
"What are you doing here?" I ask confused.
"I asked Nash and Ash if they would let me come." Is that what Nash was talking about earlier?
"Well you should go." I say, trying to sound strong.
"We need to talk."
"I don't wanna talk." I say to him again.
"Well we need to." he says in return. He makes eye contact with me.
"Why?" I ask angrily. I could feel the heat inside of me rising. He stares at me blankly for a second. "Exactly." I say. I turn around. I don't wanna go back in there. I'll just call Tess and see if she's ready to go home.
"Wait." he says catching up to me and grabbing my left arm. He turns me around. We are standing with just a few inches between us. "Why did you kiss me?" he asks. I make eye contact and just look. The Cameron I usually see is gone. He looks different. Not in a bad way. Almost in a good way actually. He looks soft and caring, like my response is the air he requires to breathe; the wrong answer and he's dead.
"I don't know." I scream. "I don't know." I say.
"Are you gay?" he asks, still looking into my eyes. The feeling in the air is very strange. I've never felt this before. I can hear my heart beat in my ears and my brain is screaming at me not to tell him the truth; to just deny it all and lie. But my heart wants me to tell the truth; it wants me to kiss him a thousand times over again. I don't answer him. I just slowly walk forward and close my eyes. Our lips connect and instinctually my hands move up to his face. I feel my lips move in sync with his; his lips actually moving with mine. He's actually kissing me back! I feel like my heart's going to explode. I feel him step closer and his arms wrap around my sides. He pulls my body closer to his as our lips slowly kiss. The kiss ends after a few seconds and I rest my forehead against his forehead. "Woah." he breathes out. I feel him smile, centimeters from my mouth.
"What just happened?" I ask, opening my eyes for the first time in the past minute. I pull back a little bit and see a blushing Cameron, smiling blissfully. He looks so adorable.
"You kissed me." he says. His smile disappears. "You kissed me." He doesn't frown but the previous enjoyment completely disappears. "Why did you kiss me?" he asks again. I don't know what to say.
"Because I'm gay." I say for the first time in an actual complete sentence. Woah. "I'm gay." I say again. My heart continues to beat fast. Unlike before I don't feel afraid anymore. I feel like this 1,000 pound weight was just lifted off my chest. I'm actually gay and I just said it. It feels so powerful.
"I've gotta go." he says turning around. What? He starts walking away. I catch up to him turning him around.
"What are you doing?" I ask confused. Why isn't he saying the same thing back? Why isn't he happy?
"I.... I don't.... I think..."
"Stop thinking." I say. I pull him closer and connect our lips again. He kisses back but then pulls away.
"Stop doing that." he says. He's trying to hold back a smile.
"Why?" I ask smiling, letting out a small laugh. My hands move up to his chest and I guide him back up against a wall and kiss him again. Not his lips but the right side of his neck. I can't see it directly but he's biting his bottom lip. He lets out a deep breath and a small moan escapes his lips. Should I stop? I go to stop when I feel his hands grab the back of my head. He likes it. I keep kissing him, sticking my tongue out onto his warm skin. I feel something poking at me leg. Is that his dick? He must like this. After a few more seconds I pull away. I look down, confirming my previous thought. He must have really liked that. I now realize I've grown my own hard on. I see him swallow the lump in his throat, finally opening his eyes. "Cameron it's ok." I say. "Who you are is ok."
"Who I am?" he says quickly, breaking the ecstasy again. "What do you mean?" he asks.
"Gay?" I say confused.
"I'm not." he says, shaking his head. "I can't be gay." he says walking past me, away from the wall.
"Cameron?" I say loudly. He just continues walking away. After a few steps he starts running. What just happened? Is Cameron afraid of me?
YOU ARE READING
Ambiguous (A Shameron Fanfic)
Romance"Why are you crying?" she finally asks. "I don't know." I say truthfully, moving off her shoulder and drying my tears with my hands. "Are you ashamed of yourself?" she asks me, looking at me as if I were a poorly tied knot about to fall apart. "I...
