Something I need [Lashton] ✓

Chapter Twelve

(Might be very triggering to some. Still debating if I'm going to keep at chapters like this...)

(Unedited)

-

Luke could feel himself swiftly sliding backwards and couldn't stop anything; not being able to sleep, faking smiles, being a coffee addict, forcing smiles and feeling small all the time. It surprised the young lad how easily he was able to put on a mask, and act like nothing was wrong. Save the crying for the shower, and try to not flinch anytime you use your razor to save your face. Try not to stare to long at anything sharp; anything that could lead to destruction. Push the sadness from your eyes, and force smiles.

Laugh loudly, don't act like you want to make yourself bleed; you let your façade down and scare everyone around you. Don't take to many pain killers, for that worrying head ache you caused yourself, for the fear that you might overdose. Don't let yourself cry, not in front of anyone, and you can't let anyone hear you.

The younger boy was slowly thinking about his own self-destruction.

-

Sighing as he forces himself from the bed, after the short three hour rest he had gotten, he steps into the bathroom and turns on the shower. Stripping quickly, he turns away from the mirror, not being able to handle looking himself in the mirror; in his state of mind. Working the bracelets off his wrist, showing his white scars, that capture his attention. Running the pad of his pointer finger up and down his forearm, following the trail of scars that lined his skin.

He quickly shifts his eyes somewhere else, as he sticks his hand into the shower to test the water. Once it reaches the temperature he desires, he forces himself in, and under the boiling hot water. The water hits his skin, but he doesn't flinch. His mind wanders quickly; dark thoughts staining his brain. He absentmindedly started to scratch at his wrist; lost deep in his thoughts.

He allowed the burning hot water to run over his shoulders, turning them a bright red; almost like he had sit outside in the winter sun for too long. Someone knocked at the door, but he couldn't hear them; the voices inside screamed to loudly.

"Luke?" the voice spoke louder, and the younger boy took a short breath in.

"Hmmm?" The boy replied.

"Are you okay in there?"

No! No I'm not! They're back again, and I know this time they won't go away peacefully. he wanted to scream, but he kept his mouth sealed.

"Just tried mate."

"Just making sure."

He heard fading footsteps, and he felt the desire for taking the ice cold metal across his skin; nearly begging for relief. Taking deep breathes, and trying to come up with a list why he /shouldn't/ relapse, nothing was really sticking out to him. Plus it's not like anyone would notice, they all stop checking his wrists a long time a go. Plus he would sneak a few on his thighs, or maybe on his hips.

stop, he told himself, you came this far are you really going to let yourself crumple again?

Well..you haven't exactly been eating correctly, these thoughts are consuming you..and we both know if a speeding car was coming at you, you would let it hit you.

Luke gasped, he hasn't heard this internal battle in a good ten months. It was like Luke forgot how to breath for a couple of minutes, before he was throwing himself out of the shower, and wrapping a towel around his midsection. He thought about calling for Ashton, his save person, but the thought was quickly shot down. Taking a good long look at himself in the mirror and that soft, but loud, voice talking in his head.

Look at yourself, your falling apart. but the razor can fix everything, I promise my dear. It's only a few cuts right? just this once?

but I've been clean for so so long, I can't let that go down the sink

who would figure out? Keep it hidden Hemmings, just like you did before.

Taking a deep breath, and closing his eyes, he let the voice win him over, and he grabbed for the razor; not thinking about how things would end, just about himself in the moment and trying to shut up everything in his head. He held the razor over his wrist, pressed down, and a thin line of blood rushed to the surface. He let out a held in breath, and felt the relief was over him; mixed with guilt.

So weak, couldn't handle talking to me for a while? See you soon Lukey-poo

The bathroom was full of deep breaths, the guilt washing over the boy. Pushing himself to the sink, washing the blade, and then his wrist; making sure it colted and bandaids where applied correctly. Slipping on his bracelets, he didn't want to face Ashton. Ashton. He should have called, but he couldn't find his voice. Trudging into the bedroom, he dressed quickly; skin tight black skinny jeans and a random band t-shirt. He grabbed a jumper, and slide it on, releasing it was Ashton's. Sighing as the older boy's smell englufed the younger, he slipped his socks and black vans on. Not giving two shits about his hair, he wondered into the living room of the hotel room. 

Seeing his three friends laid out on the couches, Michael on his DS, Calum texting, and Ashton with his eyes closed, and earbuds shoved in his ears. He sat down shakily, one, and only one, thought ran through his head that rocked him to the core. 

I don't think they would've cared..

-

Luke is very, very good at hiding how he feels. Very well at forcing smiles, and passing off food. It's been three days since he had relasped, and he hasn't yet to been clean. It was only small cuts, no big deal right? It was a very big deal, and the boy had to be extermly careful about everything. He hadn't had a proper meal in a few weeks, and he was starting to feel it. Feeling extermly light headed during sound checks, and stumbing over his words /because his head just that bad./. 

Michael and Calum haven't caught on, they think that Luke has just been up late, not being able to sleep becase his body hasn't caught onto the time differences. But Ashton, oh he was a different story; slowly piecing the puzzle that Luke had hidden from him. He was always watching th boy, and noticed how he was acting. 

"Luke, we need to talk," Ashton says, grabbing the younger boy's wrist and dragging him into their shard bedroom. 

Luckily Ashton had grabbed the wrist that didn't have all the cuts, perfectly alined. Luke's stomach dropped, he knew what was coming. Ashton was going to send him away, because somehow he found out, and he was going to get dropped from the band and his life was going to be ruin. 

Ha ha ha, pretty boy, I win again! I told you I would be back,

oh shut up, will you?

What if I dont wanna.

"Luke?" Ashton asks, snapping his fingers infront of his face. 

Luke looks up at Ashton, who's looking down. Following his eye sight, down to his wrist, his bracelets had moved, allowing the older boy to see the marks. 

"Luke," Ashton asks, his voice shaking, "What is that?" 

-

CLIFF HANGER xoxoxo Now I had always had in the plans for Luke to go back to his old ways, and have Ashton help him.

I don't want to get ANY hate over this, because I will report and block you, and you won't get to see if Luke gets better or nah. 

Love you all xoxo. 

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